Start by zeroing in on your own intentions. Do you aim to start a conversation about company policy? Do you need to take medical leave to care for a partner who is not your legal spouse? Do you just want to not have to lie anymore when someone asks you about your weekend? Being clear on your intentions will shape who you tell and how you frame the conversation.
When coming out as non-monogamous, it’s also helpful to anticipate a variety of reactions, not just negative ones. Among the common reactions you may encounter are:
- Supportive and understanding responses.
- Curiosity and desire to learn more.
- "It’s inappropriate to talk about your sex life."
- "You’re bringing this up because you want to date me!"
Talking Points
Here are some helpful talking points to have in your back pocket when having these conversations:- Emphasize that non-monogamy is a valid relationship choice and part of one's identity, and that nobody should have to hide who they are at work. You might reference your company’s diversity, equity, and inclusion statements and policies (if any).
- While you may not want to get into a deep explainer on all the nuances of non-monogamy, you might want to mention that consensual non-monogamy takes many forms, but always with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
- Highlight that non-monogamy is more common than people think, with representative studies estimating that 5-6% of people American adults are currently in a non-monogamous relationships, that 20% of Americans engage in some form of non-monogamous relationship in their lifetime, and that one third of Americans’ ideal relationship has a structure other than monogamy.
- Clarify that non-monogamous relationships are built on trust, communication, and consent, and that - like monogamy - those engaging in them typically strive for healthy, consistent, and committed relationships. Emphasize that emotional connections, partnership, and love, play a significant role in these relationships.
- Emphasize the importance of allyship and support from colleagues in creating an inclusive workplace environment for people of all family and relationship styles, and invite coworkers to stand up against discrimination or judgment faced by those in non-monogamous relationships.
- Sex is typically a no-go topic in workplaces, so depending on where you work, it likely makes sense to give topics related to sex life and practices a wide berth. Recall that one of the main stigmas about non-monogamy is that it’s primarily about sex. We know that this is no more true of non-monogamy than it is about any other relationship, but we unfortunately still need to account for that stigma.
- You might be extra careful not to come across as flirty, and to portray yourself as not romantically available. This reduces the risk of someone assuming that you’re mentioning non-monogamy because you want to date them.
- Some non-monogamous identities – namely the swinger lifestyle – do have more innately sexual connotations. For that reason, you might want to frame it more as an “open relationship” and avoid getting into specifics.
- Be prepared to redirect if someone else tries to take the conversation in a sexual direction, even if they do so subtly. “You must be a lucky man,” you coworker says, winking. “Sure, I’m lucky to have committed partners to build a life with” is a safe reply.
- Non-monogamy is a valid way that millions of people create healthy and loving relationships.
- One in five adults will be in a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives.
- One in three Americans indicate their ideal relationship structure is something other than strict monogamy.
- For many individuals, the draw towards non-monogamy is experienced as a consistent, enduring element inherent to their identity.
- People in both monogamous and CNM relationships report similar levels of relationship quality (e.g., trust, commitment, longevity) and well-being (i.e., the mental health of the individuals involved).
- People from all walks of life practice non-monogamy. Preference for non-monogamy does not vary significantly across demographic groups including rage, region, religion, income, or education.
- Non-monogamy encompasses a variety of relationships and family structures.
- People practice non-monogamy for a variety of reasons, including the desire for more love and connection.
- Non-monogamy isn’t new; it has been practiced around the world throughout much of history and by a multitude of different cultures.
- People who practice non-monogamy are no less committed to their relationships than their monogamous counterparts.
- There is no “one size fits all” approach to relationships or families.
Talking Tips
Once you’ve decided you want to share about your non-monogamous identity in the workplace, here are some tips for doing so:- Stay professional and relevant. Frame your non-monogamy in terms of its relevance to work, rather than as a personal detail. For instance, if your need to take leave to care for a partner who isn't your legal spouse necessitates disclosure, focus on the practical aspect of the situation rather than the details of your family or relationship structure.
- Opt for gradual, selective disclosure. Rather than announcing your non-monogamy to everyone at once, start by disclosing to one or two trusted colleagues who you believe will be supportive or at least neutral. This can give you a sense of the likely reactions within your workplace and may also help you refine your approach.
- Consider avoiding jargon or labels. While it can feel unjust not being able to use labels that accurately capture your identity, in a conservative environment, this might be the safest approach due to lack of protection for non-monogamy. Terms like 'polyamory' or 'ethical non-monogamy' may not be understood or may carry negative connotations. Instead, you might explain your situation in simple, straightforward terms: for example, "I have more than one romantic partner, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved." This approach strives for understanding and acceptance rather than challenging preconceived notions outright. Over time, as acceptance grows, more explicit language may become possible.
- Prepare for potential pushback. Have a plan for how you will handle negative reactions or inappropriate comments. This might involve rehearsing responses to common misconceptions about non-monogamy, or it might mean knowing when to disengage and seek support from a supervisor, HR representative, or outside resources.
- If you’re interested in a more narrow conversation or have a more conservative workplace, you might simply stop concealing your non-monogamous identity without bringing it up proactively. If someone asks directly, you can answer with something like, “yeah, my spouse and I have other partners but it’s not something I really talk about at work for my own safety.”
- You might want to give only the relevant facts up front and let people come to you with questions if they’re curious to learn more. That way, people who are uncomfortable can just bow out of the conversation. This also avoids another common non-monogamy stereotype, which is that non-monogamous people are out to convert everyone to non-monogamy.
- Develop a self-advocacy strategy based on intersections with protected identities: Given the intersectionality of identities, it's helpful to understand how your non-monogamous identity might intersect with existing protected identities. For example, if you're polyamorous and bisexual, while non-monogamy isn't a protected category, your bisexuality is. In cases of discrimination or bias, articulating your situation in terms of your protected identity may provide you with legal protections.
- Don’t count on others’ discretion. People gossip, and workplaces are certainly no exception. It’s probably a safe bet that word will spread beyond the immediate people you share with. When sharing your non-monogamous identity, consider explicitly stating that the information is private and you would appreciate if they respect your privacy by not sharing it with others. Though this doesn't guarantee complete confidentiality, it can help reinforce your expectation of discretion. Remember, it's your right to express how you want your personal information to be handled.
Possible Pushback
Opening up about your non-monogamous identity can be liberating and allow you to show up as your full self at work. Regrettably, it can also be met with pushback. Here are four possible scenarios which we’ll expand on below.- No pushback!
- Informal pushback, such as microagressions or a change in the way that people relate to you interpersonally.
- Formal pushback, such as an HR complaint
- Loss of employment
No Pushback
Awesome! Your workplace may be ready to implement formal protections for non-monogamous employees.
Informal pushback
Even if you don’t face formal pushback, you may experience microagressions or a change in the way that people relate to you. Microagressions are “common, everyday slights and comments that relate to aspects of one’s identity;” an example in this context might be, “watch out for your spouse around Jamie at the Christmas party! I hear they’re playing the field.”- Document incidents: Keep a record of any incidents or interactions that make you uncomfortable or seem to be related to your disclosure of your non-monogamous identity. Note the date, time, people involved, and the specific behavior or comment. This documentation can be helpful if you decide to raise the issue with HR or management later.
- Establish boundaries with your coworkers. The scope and nature of these boundaries may differ from workplace to workplace, but in general we’d recommend that you’re clear about what dating non-monogamously means to you, and specifically to clarify that, like monogamous single people in the workplace, you are not looking to date colleagues, and are sharing information your relationship structure to make space for sharing about the people and experiences that matter to you. Where it’s already the norm, continue to keep conversations and interactions stay focused on work-related topics; where it’s more typical for folks to interact socially within and outside of work, share stories about your loved ones that make sense within your professional context. If it’s not a norm in your workplace to talk about partying, sex, and other less PG activities, but it is a norm to share about meaningful interactions with loved ones, this context can provide helpful signal about the boundaries you’ll want to maintain as you share about your own life. For example, if a colleague is sharing a fun story about swimming with her husband and kids over the weekend, you might also share about a hike you went on with your partner, or a dinner you had with your partner and their parents.
- Address microaggressions directly: When you feel comfortable doing so, consider addressing microaggressions or inappropriate comments directly with the person involved. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and explain the impact of the comment on you. Keep the conversation focused on the specific incident and avoid making generalizations or accusations.
- Seek support from colleagues: Reach out to trusted colleagues or allies within the workplace for support and guidance. They may be able to offer advice or intervene in situations where you are experiencing pushback.
- Engage in open dialogue: Encourage open and respectful dialogue with your coworkers about non-monogamy and the importance of inclusivity. Share educational materials and resources to help them better understand your perspective and address any misconceptions. However, be cautious not to exacerbate the issue or even escalate the pushback into a formal complaint.
- Escalate the issue, if necessary: If the informal pushback persists or worsens, consider discussing the issue with your supervisor or HR. Provide them with the documentation of incidents and explain how the situation is affecting your work environment. They may be able to offer solutions or facilitate conversations to address the issue.
- Utilize employee resources: Explore whether your company offers any resources or support for employees experiencing workplace challenges, such as employee assistance programs, diversity and inclusion training, or mediation services.
- Seek legal advice: If you believe you are experiencing discrimination or harassment based on your non-monogamous identity, ensure you are saving all evidence to an external hard drive (not to a company-controlled device or cloud drive, where you do not ultimately control that information) and consult an employment lawyer to discuss your rights and potential legal remedies. While most areas do not yet have specific formal legal protections in place for workers facing discrimination on the basis of family or relationship structure, the new proliferation of nondiscrimination statutes at the city ordinance level (Somerville and Cambridge, MA), along with expanded rights on the basis of LGBTQ+ identity, may provide avenues for building a case against this form of discrimination.
Formal pushback
An all-too-common occurrence is for a person opening up about their non-monogamous identity to be subject to an HR complaint, often under the headline of “sexual harassment.” As mentioned above, people may think that any mention of non-monogamy is an inherently sexual and/or romantic come on. In this case, here’s how we’d suggest proceeding.- Prepare for the meeting: Before the meeting, gather any relevant information, including details of the conversation in which you disclosed your non-monogamous status, the context in which it was shared, and any witnesses who can corroborate your account. It may also be helpful to bring any written company policies that address non-discrimination or inclusivity, as well as those addressing sexual harassment. An important component of formally defending yourself is knowing what it is you have to demonstrate you did NOT do.
- Stay calm and professional: During the meeting, maintain a calm and professional demeanor. Avoid getting defensive or confrontational, as this may hinder your ability to effectively communicate your perspective.
- Provide context: Explain the context in which you disclosed your non-monogamous status, emphasizing that your intention was not to be inappropriate or sexually suggestive. You can draw parallels to other employees who may have mentioned their marital status or relationship without issue.
- Address misunderstandings: Acknowledge that some people may be unfamiliar with non-monogamy and may misinterpret your disclosure as inappropriate or sexual. Offer to clarify any misconceptions and emphasize your commitment to maintaining a professional work environment.
- Refer to company policies: If applicable, reference any company policies that support inclusivity and non-discrimination, highlighting that your disclosure was in line with these policies.
- Offer solutions: Be proactive in offering solutions to address the issue. This may include participating in mediation with the complainant, seeking diversity and inclusion training for the workplace, or proposing updates to company policies to better accommodate diverse relationship structures.
- Document the meeting: After the meeting, document your recollection of the conversation, including any decisions or action items that were discussed. This can be helpful for future reference or in case any further issues arise.
- Seek legal counsel: If you feel you are being treated unfairly or discriminated against based on your non-monogamous status, consider consulting an employment lawyer to discuss your rights and potential legal remedies.
Loss of employment
As noted throughout this guide, non-monogamy (and relationship status generally, outside of marital status) is not a protected category. That means that if you are an at-will employee, your employer can terminate your employment for any reason or no reason at all, including your non-monogamous identity. That said, you may still have some opportunities for recourse:- Review the termination: Carefully review the reasons given for your termination. If your employer cited performance issues or other specific reasons unrelated to your non-monogamous identity, gather any evidence that could contradict or challenge these claims.
- Explore potential connections to protected categories: While non-monogamy itself may not be a protected category, it's possible that your termination could be related to another protected category (e.g., sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity). If there is any indication that your firing was linked to a protected category, this could provide grounds for a discrimination claim.
- Check for company policy violations: Investigate whether your employer has internal policies that address non-discrimination or inclusivity, and if so, whether your termination violates those policies. If a violation is found, you may be able to pursue recourse through the company's internal grievance procedures.
- Negotiate severance or reference: If there is little legal recourse available, consider negotiating with your employer for a severance package or a neutral reference to help you with your job search. This may not be possible in all cases, but it's worth exploring.
- Seek emotional support: Losing a job under these circumstances can be emotionally challenging. Seek support from friends, family, or professional counseling services to help you process your feelings and move forward.
- Job search and future disclosures: Be strategic about how to approach your job search and disclose your non-monogamous identity in future employment situations. Assess company culture and determine when and how to share this aspect of your identity, while minimizing potential risks.
- Advocate for change: Consider becoming an advocate for expanding legal protections for non-monogamous individuals by joining or supporting organizations that work towards this goal. This may provide you with a sense of purpose and empowerment in the face of your challenging experience. These include organizations like the Modern Family Institute, the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition, the Chosen Family Law Center, and OPEN Love’s legislative campaigns.
