Safe Words & Safe Signals

What Is A Safe Word

An important first component before indulging in any type of kink play, is establishing safe words and safe signals. A safe word is a term used to stop a scene when you are at your limit. Similarly, a safe signal is an action or gesture that is used to stop a scene. These are tools to allow you to safely end a scene, and should be respected no matter what type of dynamic you and your partner have. Safe words and signals allow us to set and keep boundaries, and help us establish trust with our partner. 

Pro Tip: a common misconception is that safe words are only for a submissive to use, when in reality, safewords can be used by either the dominant or submissive partner. Safe words are also not exclusive to kink play, and can be used in conversation, and in vanilla situations as well.


Choosing A Safe Word

When choosing a safe word, it is important that you and your partner choose the word together, so that both of you understand the significance and meaning of the chosen word. Otherwise, choosing the actual word is up to you. Ideally, you want to use a word other than "no"  or "stop" as some types of kink play involve role play situations where "no" and "stop" don't actually mean no, or stop. You will also want to choose a word or signal that is not commonly used during kink play, that way there is no confusion as to what is being meant. 

Using multiple methods and safe words/signals simultaneously is also an option, as long as you and your partner communicate and are on the same page about what all will be used. Find what works best for your situation!


The Traffic Light System

A commonly used safe word system is the "Traffic Light System." Newer practitioners may also recognize this system from the Fifty Shades of Grey series - arguably, the only part of BDSM that the series got right. Similar to the intended use of a traffic light, each color represents a level of safe word. This allows for communication throughout the scene, without things having to come to a complete stop. This is great for trying something new, or learning the limits of a new partner. 

Green - 

Go for it! This is like granting permission to continue the activity/intensity. It is a way to communicate that you are happy to continue and enjoying the level of play, and ready to take on more.

Yellow - 

Pause. This is a good indicator that you're nearing your limit and you need to switch things up, lighten the intensity, and maybe have a check in with your partner. A check in will allow more communication on what needs to happen next, whether that is changing positions or sensations, taking a break, lightening the intensity, or just offering some reassurance. 

Red - 

Full stop. This is the limit. It's time for play to end, restraints to come off, and check in with your partner. You may find you just need a break, you may find it is time to move to aftercare. Later, after emotions settle, talk about what triggered this safe word, and how it can be avoided in the future. 


Some other colors that are commonly used are Blue and Beige:

Blue - 

Full stop. Similarly to Red, this tells our partner it's time for play to end, but for a different reason than our limits being reached. Blue tells us there is a medical reason for ending play. This is great for participants who may have a medical condition that could potentially flair up during play, like diabetic low blood sugar, seizure disorders, PTSD flashbacks, etc. There most likely won't be a return to play at this point, and aftercare should be initiated once the medical situation is under control. 

Pro Tip: make sure you communicate your medical conditions to your partner PRIOR to play, and explain how they are expected to handle it if it becomes an issue during play: needing insulin, needing a snack/drink to increase blood sugar levels, needing a safe environment to seize, needing to call medical professionals (911), needing medication administered, etc. 

Beige - 

Harder. You're nowhere near your limit, and you need more intensity. Commonly used in bratting dynamics, this can also be used as a brat technique to "poke the bear." This can also be reassurance to the dominant that the submissive is ready and able to take things up a notch, which can be helpful in newer dynamics. 


Establishing Safe Signals

Safe signals allow for communication if a participant is gagged, or otherwise unable to verbalize their safe word. The downside to safe signals is the responsibility of safety falling fully on the dominant remembering to check for signals, leaving more room for error. Thus, playing without the ability to vocalize a safe word, should be approached with caution, extra planning, and diligence. 

Similarly to the above Traffic Light Method, using numbers to indicate what level a participant is on, can communicate through a scene without needing to stop things entirely. 

  • 1 Finger: Green, all good, keep going
  • 2 Fingers: Yellow, nearing the limit, switch things up and check in
  • 3 Fingers: Red, full stop and check in 
  • 4 Fingers: Blue, full stop for medical reasons

Another commonly used safe signal is dropping a held object. Usually a small ball of some sort, the submissive will hold the object until they have reached their limit. Then they will drop the object, signaling to the dominant that the are at their limit. This does not allow for constant communication throughout the scene, and is very much an all-or-nothing situation. 


The Importance of Safe Words & Signals

No matter what safe word and signal you decide to use, there should always be one established. Even in Master/slave dynamics, a safe word and signal should be available for emergency purposes. While the goal is always to never NEED a safe word, it should still be a tool available. 

No, the goal is never to make a submissive use their safe word. Safe words aren't finish lines, they're alarms telling you to stay away. Any participant under the impression that safe words are goals, or the only way to end play, needs to re-evaluate everything they think they have learned about BDSM. Go back to square one, my friend, and start over. In fact, a good place to start over is The BDSM Fundamental House of Virtues and Acronyms For Ethical and Safe BDSM Play

Safe words and signals allow us to safely explore new types of play and fetishes, by providing us with a way to communicate throughout our exploration, and having a clear way to end play. They allow us to change our mind about types of play, and even slow down to process if this play is right for us. These safety tools help us build communication and trust with our partner. Talking through limits, establishing safe words and signals, and their meanings, helps us also be a safe space for our partner. You both can enter into play safely, and trust each other to stop, slow down, and communicate with one another. 

However, establishing and using safe words and signals is not a substitute for having an in depth conversation about boundaries and limits. You should be doing BOTH of these things if you want to fully engage in a healthy dynamic and kink play. Check out our article on Limits & Boundaries to help you navigate this conversation!