Limits & Boundaries

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are limits that we set for ourselves. They vary based on what is important to us, and can be set in several aspects of life, including: work, relationships, family, and conflict. Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they help determine our comfort level, needs, and preferences. Boundaries let us dictate how we want and allow ourselves to be treated, and how we then treat others. They allow for accountability, respect, and open communication.

Having boundaries is not selfish - they set the tone for a healthy relationship.

What do healthy boundaries do?

Boundaries place value on our opinions, and teach us how to respect set limits. Boundaries help us share information, and help us effectively communicate our wants and needs. We should never compromise our values to benefit others, and boundaries help prevent this from happening. Boundaries empower us to say "no" when we need to, as well as to accept "no" from others. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries regularly, will help us recognize when our boundaries are broken. 

How do we create healthy boundaries?

If something is bothering you, speak up immediately; don't let it fester. Offer an alternative option that would work better for you. Remember to commit time for yourself that is spent in ways that build you up. Write it into your schedule like you would for any other commitment, if you need to. Find role models who have good boundaries and adopt some of their boundaries. Finally, practice speaking up about little things, and noticing when things go well afterwards. 

What do healthy boundaries look like?

• I am not comfortable with you using honorifics, and I will not continue interacting if you use them.
• I want you to communicate your feelings, but it is not acceptable for you to yell and slam things.
• I want to go to this event together, but it is not ok to be drunk there. If you are, I will leave.
• I will not tolerate public outbursts.
• I cannot mentor you at this time. 
• I have decided not to attend the event.
• I will not tolerate the use of my materials without proper credit and citation.

What do healthy boundaries not look like?

• You better do this or else... (ultimatum)
• You have to do this or I'm not going to... (threatening/controlling)
• It would be really nice if you did this, but I understand you're busy... (passive aggressive communication)
• It is your fault I feel this way... (blaming)
• I waited for you to do this, but you didn't... (resenting)
• If you don't do this, I will never forgive you... (manipulation)
• *silently getting angry without communicating needs... (avoidance)   

How do we set boundaries?

Remember that setting boundaries takes time and practice. Don't get discouraged if it seems difficult.

1. Identify other's behaviors that you find acceptable, and ones that are uncomfortable for you.
2. Clearly communicate your boundaries with others. Be assertive - "No" is a complete sentence. You can choose to explain your reasoning or not - either way, be respectful, confident, and assertive. 
3. Decide what to do if someone breaks your boundaries. It may be a tough decision, and tough to carry out (examples: taking a break from the dynamic or even ending the dynamic completely).

The boundary of saying "NO"

• No is a complete sentence.
• No does not require explanation or reasoning.
• No does not have to be negotiated.
• No safeguards our limits.
• No can be silent - no answer, is an answer.
• You do not owe anyone a chance, let alone a second one.

How to say "NO"

• This does not align with my values.
• This is not a priority for me right now.
• Taking this opportunity would spread me too thin.
• I cannot take on any more commitments.
• I am not comfortable discussing this topic.
• I would like to keep my private life private.
• I will not make big decisions under pressure. Give me time to think about it.
• I will have to check my schedule before making a commitment.
• I would like more information before I commit.
• I am not interested.
• I am not a good fit for this opportunity.
• Excuse me, but I was here first.
• This is not the right decision for me.
• I do not have the energy to devote to this.
• I will not risk my health or safety.
• I feel violated and cannot continue.
• I am not ready to take this step yet.
• I have other binding commitments, so I must decline this.
• No.

What do we do when our boundaries are pushed?

Be prepared for people to react strongly to you setting boundaries. You are going against their expectations, and often times that causes others to feel you are limiting them on communication, or choices. Expect an increase in bad behavior from others. People you set boundaries with are going to push them to see how firm in your boundaries you are going to be. If you give in, it will show them that they can continue to treat you the way they want, whether it is healthy for you or not. Maintaining boundaries shows that you will not tolerate being treated poorly. Keep reminding yourself why you are keeping these boundaries. You are important, your health is important, and you are worth more than simply appeasing others.

How do we address boundary pushing?

• I already told you no, do not ask me again.
• I gave my answer, I need you to accept the response I gave you.
• I can sense this is difficult for you to accept, but I need this for myself. Please respect that.
• If I change my mind, I will let you know. Until then, please do not bother me about it; my answer has not changed.
• I may not have told you this before, but it is very important to me.
• I understand you may not like this, however it is important for my own health.
• I know this is not what you want, but I cannot compromise on this.
• I am sorry this boundary makes you feel this way. Please take the time you need to process.

How do we respect the boundaries others set?

Some things we can do to respect the boundaries others have set with us are:

• Knocking on doors of shared spaces, and asking for permission to enter a space that is not ours.
• Being content with not knowing everything about a person.
• Accepting "no" in any form, when it is given to us.
• Staying out of other people's belongings or personal affects.
• Waiting for a return phone call or text.
• Allowing someone to be upset without trying to make them get over it.
• Following any stated or posted rules.
• Not trying to convince others to think exactly like you or do things the exact way you would.

Some things we can say in response to someone setting boundaries with us are:

• I hear what you are saying, and I respect your decision. 
• Yes, no problem.
• You are right, I shouldn't have done that.
• I can work with that.
• I respect that.
• I am struggling with this boundary, but I respect it.
• I am happy to give you space.
• I am sorry if I overstepped in the past.
• I hear how you've been feeling, and I won't do that anymore.
• I hope we can continue this conversation when you are ready.
• May I talk to you about this?
• We do not have to talk about this subject if it triggers you.

How do boundaries become limits?

Boundaries help us establish our limits. Being firm in our boundaries help us to be firm in our limits. Boundaries set limits for ourselves, so that we can set limits for our dynamic.

Boundaries = can occur inside and outside of our dynamic(s).

Limits = the boundaries that we set for our specific dynamic(s).

Why are limits important?

While it is possible that limits can be breached accidentally, creating boundaries will help identify ways we may be uncomfortable and need to assess if a limit should be made. Limits can change over time, so it is important to consistently keep our boundaries, to help identify if a limit may have changed. Certainly all limits should be discussed and negotiated with your partner, along with any changes that may occur. 

Soft Limits = flexible limits that can be pushed or expanded, within the boundaries we set.

Hard Limits = non-negotiable limits that cannot be pushed, expanded, or done in any capacity.  

Having and keeping limits keep us safe. They also clarify our expectations for our partner. Giving up control in a power exchange does not mean that we give up our limits. Lacking limits and being unable to keep our limits make us prime targets for manipulation and abuse. Boundaries outline how we respond to our limits being broken, whether that is taking a break from the dynamic, terminating that type of play, or terminating the dynamic completely.