Remember the Fundamental House of Virtues? The entire structure is made of foundational virtues that are vital for creating meaningful dynamics and relationships with our partner(s) as well as in our community. There is another crucial relationship these virtues help us with: the relationship we have with ourself. Not only do these virtues provide a guideline for our interactions with others, but they also guide us through our own personal growth. When we keep these virtues with ourself, it prepares us to share these same virtues with others, while also fostering our personal growth and building our self love.
So how do we keep the foundational virtues with ourself?
Give Yourself Permission
Practicing consent with ourself looks like giving ourself permission to explore experiences we want, and withdraw from experiences we don't want. It is understanding to our boundaries, and listening to ourself when we have had enough. Giving and accepting our own consent will help us become more attuned to when something doesn't feel right for us. How do we give consent to ourself?
Check in with yourself and ask yourself for permission to explore and grow. Ask out loud if you feel the need. Practice saying "no" or even using a safe word when something doesn't feel aligned. When you ask for your consent, allow yourself permission to say "yes" to experiences that bring you joy and pleasure. Advocate for yourself and your needs. Am I ready for this? Does this feel right for me?
Listen To Your Inner Voice
Your feelings, desires, boundaries and limits are all telling you something. Intuition is key to understanding what you need and what you don’t need in a dynamic. It also tells you want you need from yourself. Listening to our own inner voice will help us later express our needs to others, but first let’s build some communication with ourself.
Check in with yourself regularly. How are you emotionally? Physically? Use self reflection techniques and mindful practices to become more in tune with yourself. What do you need right now? What feelings does this situation bring to the surface? How do I address those feelings?
Be Honest With Yourself
Honesty creates authentic experiences. If we want to be true to ourselves, we have to acknowledge our desires and fears, without judgment, shame, or wracking ourself with guilt. We have to create a space where we can be free to be ourself, and while the lifestyle offers that to us, we first need to feel safe within ourself and fully embrace who we are. It may not look the way you want it. It can be messy, out of the box, and maybe a little banged up. How can we build honesty with ourself?
Not only do we need to acknowledge our desires and fears, but we also need to challenge any self-deception and shame we may have about them. Allow yourself to explore what you genuinely want, and reflect on how it makes you feel. Does this allow me to be true to myself? What am I avoiding because of embarrassment or shame?
Treat Yourself With Kindness
Respect starts with how we treat ourself. Self respect will help others understand how to respect us. Acknowledge your own limits and capacities. Self respect means being kind to ourself, setting and keeping boundaries, and not pushing ourself past our limits or what feels right for us. What does building self respect look like?
Set clear boundaries with yourself. Honor those boundaries by not pushing past them. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into situations by societal pressure or external expectations. Treat yourself with care and consideration - if you need a mental health or self care day, take it without guilting yourself for it. Be the role model for the kind of respect you expect from others. Someone else isn’t going to respect your boundaries if you can’t respect those boundaries as well. Remember to celebrate your strengths and successes, and be compassionate with yourself about your vulnerabilities. Am I giving myself room to make mistakes? Do I need a break to recharge? Am I giving myself grace and understanding that I’m still learning?
Pro Tip: if you're unsure where to start with making and keeping boundaries, check out Limits & Boundaries to help you get started!
Trust Yourself
You know you the best. You know exactly what you are comfortable with, and what is pushing your limits. Trusting ourself allows is to explore the lifestyle with a clear sense of what is safe for ourself, and what is right of ourself. Have confidence in your boundaries, and let them guide you as you explore. Let’s build some trust in ourself.
Reflect on your emotions, desires, boundaries, and feelings. Identify What makes you comfortable and what doesn’t. Self awareness practices like journaling and meditation are great ways to strengthen our ability to trust our instincts and will help you solidify our connection with yourself. How do I feel in this situation? How do I feel afterwards?
Explore and Accept Yourself
Approach healthy kink exploration with self love and self acceptance. Its so important to embrace who we are, as we are, in order to fully engage in kink without fear or shame. Accepting ourself empowers us to explore our true self, which will make it easer to form authentic connections with others. Being able to embrace kink play and the lifestyle around it, without societal pressures and expectations, requires a revolutionary act of self acceptance. Acknowledging our needs and desires, without judgment, will deepen our self awareness, empowerment, and connection to our true self. How do we build self acceptance?
Give yourself permission to explore kink play without judgement or self criticism. Remind yourself that your desires are valid and embracing them is encouraged. Have confidence inside and outside of kink exploration - you know what you're doing, and you've got this.
Educate Yourself
Self acceptance is the foundation in educating not only others, but also ourselves. It fosters a more inclusive and accepting society from both inside and outside of the lifestyle around kink play. Recognizing kink shaming is crucial in our own education. It is often rooted in misunderstanding and preconceived societal expectations and judgment. Societal norms tell us certain desires or actions are deemed "acceptable" while others are not. Kink play allows freedom to explore, safe from those pressures and expectations to be "acceptable" and allow you to create your own blueprint for your desires. How can we educate ourself without shame?
Address any internal shames you may carry. Self love and self acceptance challenge societal norms. They help us stand up and advocate for our right to explore healthy and consensual kink play. Practicing self love and acceptance help us embody the principles of the pillars and consent. You build confidence in your advocation. Don't be afraid to challenge harmful kink shaming.
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When we approach the foundational virtues in this manner, kink play can be a transformative experience of intimacy, self discovery, empowerment, and growth. When we apply these virtues to ourself, not only do we dismantle harmful societal views of how intimacy, relationships, and self discovery should look like, we allow ourself to stand in confidence and proudly say "THIS IS ME."