What happens when a dominant breaks protocol? Do they face punishments? How would these punishments be established?
Preventing Protocol Breaks
The biggest tools to prevent dominants breaking protocols is proper vetting and proper negotiations. Vetting and negotiations allow us time to make sure the other person is a right fit for a dynamic with us. They set the foundation for us to build the dynamic. Rushing through these, or not allowing them to be in-depth, creates a rocky and unstable foundation. Breaks in protocol that result from incompatible dominance styles can be prevented in these stages, by highlighting the glaring incompatibilities.
But what happens if a person changes from who they were through vetting and negotiations? While change and personal growth are normal and encouraged, some people mask their true intentions until a dynamic has been established; this is manipulative. It may be important to evaluate the individual to understand if this manipulation was intentional, or subconscious. While manipulation as a whole is generally nefarious, how intentional manipulation is handled oftentimes varies from how subconscious manipulation is handled. Next steps on addressing protocol changes that result from manipulative masking during the vetting and negotiation stages may heavily rely on what kind of manipulation happened.
Once a dynamic is established, and protocol is broken by the dominant, there are two possible directions things can go:
The Dynamic Ends
Let's be clear, intentionally nefarious manipulation should always result in the end of a dynamic. It breaks all of the foundational virtues of BDSM. It is abuse, which is not kink.
But there are times where broken protocol can result in the end of a dynamic without nefarious manipulation. Recognizing that the dynamic is not fulfilling because of consistent protocol breaks, or that domination styles are not compatible, can end a dynamic without anything nefarious. If a protocol break crosses boundaries in a way that the submissive feels they cannot be reconciled, this could also end the dynamic.
If this is the path chosen, it is best practice to have a mature conversation about ending the dynamic and moving on separately. If nefarious manipulation causes a concern for safety, it wouldn't be mandatory to have the conversation before simply ending the dynamic.
Attempted Reconciliation
If all parties involved agree that ending things isn't the way to go, then it's time to attempt to reconcile things. This starts with the foundational pillar of Communication. That's right, a mature conversation needs to happen. This conversation should identify the broken protocol, how it breaks the foundational virtues (specifically the pillars), and how it can be reconciled.
Punishments for Public Protocol Breaks
Old Guard Conclaves
In OG practices, sometimes a conclave of other dominants can be called upon with the goal of holding the offending dominant responsible for breaking protocol. Essentially, the group of dominants act as judge and jury to decide if protocol was broken, and how it should be reconciled. However, there are many flaws to this practice in terms of how the modern day BDSM lifestyle is practiced.
- With many practitioners being in long distance situations, or even exclusively online, it is extremely hard to hold anyone accountable through the internet. The offending dominant can easily ignore, block, and not follow through with reconciliation.
- Corruption within conclaves is also an issue, even on a minor level. At some point, everyone will break at least one of the foundational virtues. We are human, we are not perfect. However, it makes it difficult to hold someone accountable for an infraction another conclave member may have made; making the conclave hypocritical in their judgment.
- Because of corruption, you can also see bias in judgment and reconciliation. Finding a group of "perfect" dominants is dang near impossible - again, we are all human.
Blacklisting
Punishments for Private Protocol Breaks
Punishments for Dominants
Could a dynamic agree to a punishment that the dominant would carry out if they break protocol? Yes, one of the many things I repeat is that every dynamic is unique to the people involved. What works for one dynamic may not work for another, and dominants being punished is included in that uniqueness.
However, there are many concerns behind this method. Ultimately, a dominant serving a punishment for broken protocol messes with the agreed to power exchange within the dynamic (for the sake of this article, we are assuming the dynamic does not include switch roles - those will be touched on later).
It puts the submissive in a dominant role.
When a submissive is in charge of coming up with punishments, or even being held responsible to point out protocol breaks and thus begin the punishment process, this shifts the power control to the submissive. Correcting and managing punishments is inherently a dominant role, and generally the opposite of most agreed upon power exchanges. When power exchanges are perverted in this manner, there’s usually no going back.
Perverted Power Exchanges - The Beginning of the End
Again, for the sake of this article, we are not including dynamics with switch roles.
When power exchanges are perverted, and the submissive suddenly is forced to act as the dominant, it can create a lot of animosity and internal conflict. The submissive is being forced to step into a role they don’t identify with. “It’s not who I am, and I don’t want to be forced to be someone that I’m not.”
This is usually when we see the dynamic start to break. It often times triggers a subconscious loss of respect towards the dominant, despite their efforts to reconcile the situation. In general, dominants are held to a higher standard than submissives, because the dominant is the one who is given and holds control in the power exchange. They set the bar for their submissive to meet, through agreed upon protocols. The onus is on dominant to lead the dynamic - that’s the whole point of the power exchange, and because the dominant role holds so much power and responsibility, they are held to a higher standard. The dominant is in a position to have the ability of easily breaking someone physically, mentally, and emotionally. The standard for a position that can easily misuse their power, has to be high.
While a submissive can break a dominant, it is usually not as easy to do within their role. However, when you have a submissive who has to step into the dominant role, it suddenly becomes very easy for the submissive to mentally break the dominant role - even unintentionally. In the dominant’s mind, what can happen is a decrease in confidence, heightened self-consciousness, extreme guilt, and questioning self-identity. If the dominant can’t even control themself, can they control someone else? Does that make them less of a dominant? Does that even make them dominant at all? Being given and then serving a punishment puts them in the submissive role. Do they identify that way? Should they? With the submissive having the ability to switch roles, does the dominant hold any power at all? Should power be repeatedly tossed back and forth? Is this the power exchange dynamic that was agreed upon anymore?
That’s a lot of internal struggle, which typically leads to the dominant losing confidence in their ability to be dominant, and consistently questioning themselves. A dominant in this struggle is more likely to hesitate, or even back off from the dynamic - which leaves the submissive now feeling unfulfilled in the dynamic, and even regretting their decision of bringing up protocol breaks in the first place. A submissive who is left regretting bringing up something that bothers them, is more likely to allow their boundaries to be broken, and open the door for potential abuse in the future.
When you start messing with the power exchange, it starts messing with people’s heads.
Where Do We Go From Here
At this point, we unfortunately see the majority of dynamics end. What’s worse is those thoughts and experiences are now carried with you. When you move on to another dynamic, those past experiences are like skeletons in the closet and they can affect future dynamics.
- As a submissive, you may be more hesitant to give your trust. You may find yourself being unfairly biased to a potential dominant because “this is what happened in the past,” or even “maybe I’m too much.” You could also find yourself more willing to overlook possible dangers in a potential dominant because “it couldn’t be as bad as what I just went through,” or “bringing those things up will just get me hurt again,” or even “being able to be back in my submissive role is a breath of fresh air.”
- As a dominant, you may be less confident in your skills and avoid a potential submissive because “they seem like too much.” You could even be questioning your involvement in the BDSM lifestyle all together because “am I really capable of being dominant,” or “can power just be taken away on a whim,” or simply “do I even fit in here at all?”
- As a potential future partner, you have more to consider during vetting and negotiations. This person has experienced trauma within the lifestyle and will need extra patience. They may need more guidance, redirection, or even more protocol as they work through their past. You have to understand there will be extra hardships that can be tricky to navigate if you continue to pursue something with this person. You may need to be more flexible in your power exchange, and focus more on building good communication and trust, and be less focused on kinky play.
These are all possible skeletons you may carry if you didn’t try to fix the dynamic at all, and simply ended things as soon as the break in protocol happened. However it’s usually the submissive who carries the skeletons, and then the entire responsibility of fixing things is on the submissive - the dominant is out of the picture, and has a life lesson of “don’t do that again,” but the mental struggles aren’t there.
The Black and White Reality
When we look at the repercussions of broken protocol, it seems very black and white; like a tiny infraction could result in the entire dynamic ending. It seems harsh, and almost like the dynamic is doomed from the start. The last thing anyone wants in a dynamic is to have to walk on eggshells. But this stark reality is directly related to the standard we hold the dominant role to. Remember, the dominant role has a very easy ability to break a person in many traumatic ways. With great power, comes great responsibility, and the expectation that you misuse that power - even unintentionally. With such devastating consequences, the standard has to be high.
A Note on Switches
I promised I’d talk about including the switch role, but I only have a few key things. Adding the switch role into the mix can reduce the feeling of perverting the power exchange, because the switch doesn’t have an aversion for stepping in or out of a specific role. However there could still be aversion if one partner is a switch and the other is not. Even if both partners are switches, it still blurs then line of power exchange.
Some more food for thought: if a switch breaks protocol while in the dominant role, they are still being held to that dominant high standard. To then carry out that punishment while in a submissive role, the weight of that punishment is lost. Carrying out a punishment as a submissive has very different connotations to it than carrying it out as a dominant. The headspace is very different than when the infraction happened. Does the punishment lose its meaning? Does it have the same effect?
Is There Any Hope
Is there any possibility of a dynamic bouncing back after the dominant breaks protocol? Can reconciliation happen at all?
Yes, of course. While this article focuses on the potential negatives of how to handle broken protocols, and very much gives a “worst case scenario,” dynamics can certainly bounce back after broken protocol. It’s not easy, you have to put in the work and the effort, but it is possible. It starts with communication and rebuilding trust and respect, and it requires a hell of a lot of honesty.
Simple breaks in protocol may just need some good communication, an apology, and a bit more effort. Some breaks in protocol may require all that and changed behavior. Big breaks in protocol may require going back to negotiations and starting all over.
After communicating? The possibilities are endless. You’d be surprised what good communication can do. It this point it’s really up to you as to what happens. The timeline of rebuilding and fixing is entirely up to you. What needs to happen, is a decision you have to make together. That isn’t anything I have credentials to guide you on, it’s just part of the uniqueness of the dynamic.
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Tips for successful communication
- Be honest. Identify what you find hurtful, and why you find it hurtful. Your partner may not even realize how important this protocol was to you.
- Offer possible solutions. If you know how to prevent the problem in the future, say so. Be open to ideas on how to prevent and problem solve. Be willing to find what works for you.
- Have and hold your boundaries. Rebuilding and rectifying the problem should never require you to violate your boundaries.
- Actively listen. Your partner is telling you something they feel is important. Honor and respect them by listening - not just hearing - what they have to say. Don’t listen for a place to respond; listen to understand.
- Understand an apology isn’t always going to cut it. Your partner may need more than just a “sorry it won’t happen again.” Saying sorry is usually just the first step. If it’s unclear what they need from you, ask.
- When apologizing, be sincere. Apologies don’t make excuses, they don’t push blame. They take accountability. Apologies are more than just words; they are changed behavior, and sincere actions that show we understand and are accountable.
- Don’t be distracted. Get off your phone and turn off the TV. This is a serious conversation that will determine the future of your dynamic. If you have to, hold hands and sit face-to-face to help keep your focus where it needs to be.
- Remember nothing is fixed overnight. Actions and changed behavior take time to show. Trust takes time to rebuild. Having this conversation isn’t going to magically make everything all better; it’s simply the starting point. Communication isn’t the solution; it’s a tool to achieve the solution, and probably the most important one.
- Be open to help. You may find this process is too much for the two of you to handle alone. Mentors, therapists, and supportive people can all be helpful tools to navigating this. Asking for help is possibly the bravest thing a person can do.