Sadism

Sadism refers to the enjoyment of inflicting physical and/or emotional pain - whether sexual or otherwise - on someone else. It is important to remember that not all forms of sadism involve taking pleasure in pain, rather, it involves taking pleasure in affecting others. 

Sexual sadism is a form of sexual expression, with the most common activities including spanking, biting, bondage/handcuffs, and verbal humiliation. Pain has the ability to heighten sensations, excitement, and sexual arousal. Sadomasochism is usually scene specific, making it different from Dominant/submissive dynamics.


  • Sadist: the d-type or top who is in control of another's pleasure mentally and/or physically, stimulating them through pain.
  • Masochist: the s-type or bottom, who allows another to control their pleasure through pain.
  • Sadomasochism: the psychological tendency or sexual practice characterized by both sadism and masochism. 

Sadism Development

Sadism is no longer considered a disorder unless it causes "significant emotional anguish" or done without consent. While the stigma around kinky sadism has reduced, it is still important to know that self-harming acts are still considered a mental health issue, even if it is instructed by a sadist partner. 

  • Algolagnia: arousal from the sensation of pain.
  • Paraphilia: persistent and recurrent sexual interests, urges, fantasies, and/or behaviors of marked intensity involving objects, activities, or even situations that are atypical in nature. There are eight major recognized paraphilias, including Sexual Masochism Disorder, and Sexual Sadism Disorder. Paraphilia is a clinical concept with specific diagnostic criteria, whereas a kink is a descriptive term for diverse sexual expression.
  • Rhabdophilia: the paraphilia associated with arousal from being beaten or punished.

While there are no concrete scientific explanations on how sadist desires develop, or why, there are a few theories.

Unresolved Oedipus Complex:

This concept was created by Sigmund Freud and is often used to support the idea that sadism develops as a result of a disturbed personality development. Check out "Angst, Lust, Zerstorung: Sadism als soziales und kriminelles Handeln" by Nikolaus Becker and Eberhart Schorsch for more information on this theory. 

Compensation

Another theory is that sadism compensates for unpleasant events by sexualizing them. This was originally theorized by Robert Stoller, who concluded that sex is a positive contrast to pain, and that one could turn a painful experience into something more positive. Stoller often explained sadism as "an erotic form of hatred" that was rooted in childhood trauma that created hostile fantasies of revenge in order to rewrite past traumatic experiences. Check out "Perversion: The Erotic Form of Hatred" by Robert Stoller for more information on his theory.

Pavlovian Conditioning

Piggybacking off the previous theory, this one assumes that sexual arousal can develop through suffering and be reinforced through repetition. For example, masturbating during sadistic play and fantasies, could connect pain as a pleasure source. For more information on Pavlovian Conditioning, check out this wikipedia article.

Types of Sadomasochism

Physical

This type of sadomasochism includes the infliction of physical pain. Some examples include impact play, pressure points, forced orgasms, breast/clit torture, cock and ball torture (CBT), rough penetration, biting, hair pulling, needles and play piercing, knife play and artistic cutting.

Emotional

Emotional sadomasochism focuses on psychological pain. Despite not having visual marks, this can still have profound impacts on a participant. Some examples include humiliation, degradation, mindfucking, and fear play. 



Sexual vs Non-Sexual

Sexual sadism is the need to cause pain during sexual acts as a way to increase excitement and pleasure. It relies on the conjunction of pain and pleasure.

Non-sexual sadism usually has a sexual origin, but isn't expressed sexually. It is more about exercising fantasies of omnipotence.

Compensatory sadism is the replacement of sexual acts with the act of inflicting pain. The sadistic preferences will completely replace sexual acts. 



Types of Kinky Sadists

Service Sadists

Similar to a service top, the satisfaction for this sadist comes from bringing their partner to satisfaction. Examples of Service Sadists include Master/slave dynamics, sensual and soft d-types, and even Adult/little dynamics that include "funishments" and punishments.

Disciplinary Sadists

These sadists teach lessons through pain. Lessons are explained thoroughly so that a never ending cycle of punishment doesn't form. These sadists often use surrender and submission, as well as s-type maintenance. 

Action Sadists

These sadists take pleasure from the power they feel when using their tools, and from their actions. Examples of this could include impact play, wax play, needles and play piercings, knife play, and artistic cutting.

Roleplay Sadists

Usually with an implication of character motivation that makes the sadist role enticing, these sadists enjoy affecting their partner through a scene-given role. Some examples of this sadist role include being the beast in primal play, being the owner in pet play, being the hunter in damsel play, and being the vampire in vampirism play.

Reaction Seeking Sadists

These sadists enjoy seeing how their actions affect their partner. Some examples are crying, sexual denial, edging, squirming, tickle torture, and sissification.

Tormenting Sadists

These sadists enjoy tormenting others to bring about suffering. Sadistic activities include cucking, degrading, fear play, consent-non-consent (CNC), and blanket consent. 

Tyrannical Sadists

Pairing well with Tormenting Sadists, as they appeal to those who have feelings of powerlessness in their personal lives, these sadists want to dominate their partner and make them feel like they have no choice. Sadistic activities include dollification, body modification, internal slavery, and forniphilia (human furniture).

Before Sadistic Play

As with all types of play, it is crucial to gain informed consent from all parties involved. This includes learning what limits your partner has, what is good types of play and what is not, and establishing safe words and safe signals. This is also the time to discuss the different methods for ethical play, and figure out what will work best for you. 

Pro Tip: If you're looking for info on methods for ethical play, check out this article to get you started. For help on safewords and safesignals, check out this one. For learning about boundaries and limits, start here.

Learning some basic human anatomy will be crucial if your sadistic play includes risky play like impact play, heavy bondage, or artistic cutting. It might also be a good idea to build your own personal Risk Profile, and discussing the risks of these types of play. 

Trauma Informed Consensual Kink (TICK) may be a topic to dive into if your partner has past traumas that may arise or be triggered during play. Ensure that you have a customized first aid kit and aftercare kit that is catered to your partner and the kinds of play you will be participating in. 

Always remember the difference between BDSM and abuse. Sadistic play can get out of hand quickly, and there is always risk that the play dives into paraphilia, which is not part of BDSM. If you feel unsafe or in crisis, do not be afraid to reach out for help. 



at

Frenzy

 

What is Frenzy?

Frenzy is a phenomenon that can affect anyone, but often affects newer practitioners. It is an overwhelming desire to experience everything related to the lifestyle as soon as possible, and damn the consequences. Frenzy is different than simple enthusiasm, as it will hinder a practitioner's judgment, instinct, and self-preservation. 

Being enthusiastic about the lifestyle is normal and healthy. You can be intensely interested and still logical and practicing safely. When enthusiasm begins to cloud your judgement, that is when it becomes frenzy. 

When an s-type has frenzy, it is referred to as "sub frenzy." When a d-type has frenzy, it is referred to as "dom frenzy." The signs and symptoms of both are generally the same, or close to the same. Factors that can trigger frenzy include:

Opportunity

Newbies often experience frenzy because of so many new opportunities. New d-types are usually overwhelmed with the expectations of learning everything as fast as they can, and gaining experience as quickly as possible. While new s-types are usually overwhelmed with a line of interested practitioners - both respectful ones and vulgar ones. 

Nature of the Role

The nature of each role, while different, can still trigger frenzy. The submissive nature of s-types usually includes wanting someone else to take control. While the power dynamic of BDSM is certainly a reoccurring theme in all kink play, it can cause s-types to be prone to frenzy as they search for someone to take control. Meanwhile, the dominant nature of d-types creates an easy way of falling in the trap of jumping into immediate play.

What is important to remember is that you do not have to play with just anyone. No one should be treated like a kink dispenser.

Physical Risk

Many types of kink play have a level of physical risk to them. A prime example most usually think of is impact play, and the obvious physicality of it. Other physical risks can include fall risks during any type of suspension, or pursuit/take down play, scratches from nails or teeth during intercourse, even potential STI exposure can be a physical risk that should be considered. While some physical risks can be desired - like bruises from a good paddling - if the desire to experience these risks is overwhelming, frenzy can cause a practitioner to ignore other undesired physical risks - like STI exposure. 


The Risks of Frenzy

In extreme cases, frenzy can not only risk your health and safety, but it can risk your job and family as well. 

Regret

One risk that is often forgotten is the "post-nut clarity inducing regret." When the frenzy wears off afterwards, sometimes feelings of regret then come to light. Suddenly those wanted bruises hurt a bit more than you want to handle, the overthinking happens and then the blame-shifting starts. I can honestly say I know multiple d-types who later has all blame thrust upon them for engaging with a frenzied s-type, or worse, has to deal with law enforcement and legal ramifications due to a frenzied s-type later regretting what they did while in frenzy. That's how slandering rumors start and how people become wrongfully black listed. 

Rushed Dynamics

Entering quickly into a dynamic does not allow for proper vetting and negotiations to take place. There is no solid foundation to build the dynamic on, and is going to be more susceptible to misunderstandings and possibly even abuse. Dynamics take time to establish compatibility and trust, which can't happen if things are rushed. 

Crossed Boundaries

The frenzied idea of wanting to try all the things all at once, or be overly pleasing to a potential partner, can cloud a practitioner's mindfulness of their own personal boundaries. The risk for playing in ways they aren't comfortable with, or consenting to play without understanding the potential risks, will only ever end up yielding a negative experience.

Self-Care Neglect

Once in a frenzied state, the concept of self-care goes right out the window. A frenzied mind is focused on one thing - to scratch the itch. Taking care of one's own physical and mental well-being falls further down the to-do list when frenzy is in control.

Red Flag Risks

Where a level headed practitioner sees red flags as risks to consider and pay attention to, a frenzied practitioner sees red flags as a fun carnival to join. Frenzy can cause a practitioner to overlook warning signs of dangerous play, abuse, and unsafe people. 


Signs & Symptoms of Frenzy

  • playing too soon with someone you just met
  • playing too often, and not allowing sufficient breaks between play
  • engaging in types of play that you have no education on
  • being overly agreeable
  • engaging in play without understanding the risks involved
  • not creating boundaries or limits, or asking questions
  • meeting strangers in private, without having a safety contact person
  • being overly bratty, flirty, or attention seeking all of the time, towards anyone
  • hyper focusing on your role, while neglecting other things in your life
  • making lifestyle decisions based on physical desires, without considering safety
  • jumping quickly into collaring
  • engaging into risky play on the first meet, or without negotiations
  • irritation if you're not getting all the attention constantly
  • willingness to have no limits, or requiring the other person to have no limits
  • not establishing safe words or safe signals, or having a safety plan prior to play
  • meeting strangers in private locations: their residence, hotel room, etc
  • expecting or insisting that play include sex

Dealing With Frenzy

There are multiple ways you can combat your frenzy. Sometimes a combination of ways is what works best, so experiment and find what works for you.

  • Keep a journal. Write out your feelings, frustrations, and even your goals and notes on the lifestyle. Establishing this habit now will help you process emotions later post-play sessions.
  • Exercise. Moving your body can help create endorphins that can help curb frenzy, and possibly provide a little sense of release. Even if you have mobility challenges, some basic stretching where you can is still part of exercising. Stretch your neck and shoulders, your back, arms and legs, even your hands and feet. Mental exercise like meditation is also a wonderful idea.
  • Make notes for yourself. Post reminders wherever you will regularly see them, and remind yourself to slow down, focus on studying, and stay level headed. Include mantras to help you keep boundaries. Remember, this is not a race. There is no rush; explore gradually so that you can build a strong foundation first. It will help you in the long run.
  • Gather knowledge. Learn what frenzy is and focus your enthusiasm on gathering as much knowledge about BDSM as possible. The more you know about BDSM terminology and safety, the more prepared you will be when taking steps towards playing and establishing a dynamic. Learn how to set boundaries and keep them, as well as how to say "no" and the basics of safety. Check out our "BDSM Basics" page for some good areas to get started! 
  • Build a support system. Talk with others in your role and ask them about how they deal with frenzy. Join discussion groups and attend local munches. Network online and look for a mentor. Establishing friendships in the BDSM community is more important than establishing a dynamic. 
  • Play with trusted friends. Once friendships are established you can gain experience and knowledge together. Look into local dungeons or play parties where you can practice with plenty of people available to monitor. Don't just jump into play with the first person who comes along.


at

Emotional Repression & It’s Harm In BDSM

In my years in the lifestyle, and the culture that is BDSM, I frequently see a stereotypical image of “dominance” come up time and time again. The depiction of a chiseled male, in monochromatic clothing, with a hand around the throat of a woman, or holding a whip or paddle. His gaze is hard, focused. He is stoic, stone, and void of emotion. When discussing the characteristics of a d-type, with other community members, one common trait that is frequently repeated is the level-headed emotionless demeanor a d-type should portray.


On a personal level, I recently found myself in the middle of a heated social media debate over the expectation that a d-type should remain emotionless in the face of adversity. Some insight here, this was in response to a hot take that the lack of confidence a d-type may have could, in partial, be in response to the s-type. There is a misconception that silently challenging a d-type to meet expectations without providing any guidance into what those expectations are, was part of giving submission. Often the d-type partner will do their best to “figure it out,” but falls short from whatever unspoken expectations the s-type has, making the s-type respond with annoyance or coldness. Glamorized portrayals of the BDSM lifestyle show a d-type surprising their s-type and meeting all expectations, with little work or effort from the s-type (thanks BookTok). But this just isn’t the case. D-types aren’t mind readers, and it can be very confusing when navigating mixed signals. So their confidence takes a hit. Do you know what often comes with the frustration of trying to navigate these unspoken expectations and mixed signals? Emotions.


Now tell me why a “social media expert” wanted to argue about how wrong it is for a d-type to display emotion in that scenario? Heaven forbid a d-type shed some tears. In fact, the direct quote was “if a dominant breaks down crying because of a submissive’s reactions, stubbornness, grumbling, or anything else, that ‘dominant’ isn’t a dominant at all and is just playing at it. A dominant must be able to handle adversity. If they can’t handle a ‘testing’ submissive, they have no business trying to dominate anyone.”


If you’re getting a gatekeeper vibe from that, I don’t blame you. If it gives you the ick, it should. The quoted person went on to blame their Old Guard training and mindset as the reasoning for this take. But here’s the thing: this isn't a matter of Old Guard vs New Guard. This is more a matter of toxic masculinity, and its harmful effects on the BDSM lifestyle. Emotions are valid no matter what side of the slash a person is on. Expressing emotions does not dictate how dominant or successfully dominant a person is. The idea that d-types are stoic at all times, void of showing emotions, is extremely dangerous and damaging to the BDSM community, especially new practitioners. This sets unobtainable societal expectations on new d-types, and really paints the wrong picture for new s-types. D-types are human just like everyone else, full of various emotions. It is wrong to pretend they aren’t.


According to the New York Times, toxic masculinity refers to a set of behaviors and beliefs that include suppressing emotions, maintaining an appearance of toughness and using violence as an indicator of power. It is the result of teaching a generation of young boys that they can't express their emotions openly and that displaying any emotion whatsoever is a sign of emasculation and femininity – traits that are taught as wrong for a male to have. This concept is heavily pushed by patriarchal societies, and has led to the unfortunate influx of mental health disorders and male suicide. Because of a patriarchal backing, it's not a surprise to me that there are minimal articles about toxic masculinity's effect on the BDSM lifestyle, and how it diminishes the ability for dynamics to build healthy connection, have positive experiences, and have longevity.


In the spirit of furthering education, I am thus here writing this. I cannot, in good conscious, complain about the lack of information available, when I have the means to make the information available. And while this whole topic was originally just me arguing with a “social media expert” who clearly wasn’t going read or comprehend anything I was saying, I felt this was important enough that it needs to be said louder. Consider this as me with my megaphone. I’m on my soapbox, and I am only just starting.


It is further no surprise to me that the majority of opinions on how d-types should present themselves, lacks inclusion of female identifying dominant dynamics. Instead, the role toxic masculinity and patriarchal society expectations strive to shape female identifying dominants into a more masculine mold. If you look at a stereotypical dominant female, she is most commonly described as a bitch, and ice queen, and unfeeling - all traits toxic masculinity strives to teach to young men as positive in regard to emotions, but when applied to a female, are negative and undesirable traits. Get your feminist pink hats out!

“In a world so set on maintaining hegemonic ways of living, BDSM operates elsewhere”

- @kimoftheinternet


While male submissives do exist, 66% of males involved in kink play prefer dominant or switch roles, while 76% of women prefer submissive roles. It's safe to conclude that the left side of the slash is predominantly male identifying. Insert “male dominated” pun here.


As I stated earlier, the toxic masculine teaching of repressing emotions, is directed entirely to biological males (not even our transmasc brothers). Repressed emotions have been proven to have negative physical effects on the body, such as changes in eating habits, disruptive sleep patterns, headaches, unhealthy coping mechanisms, weakened immune system, and increased likelihood to develop chronic conditions both physically and mentally.


But how do repressed emotions affect our experiences in BDSM?


In BDSM, emotional repression can hinder emotional connection, impact psychological and physical well-being, and potentially undermine the safety and trust that is essential for kink play and BDSM practices.


Emotional repression can reduce intimacy. BDSM thrives on emotional vulnerability and connection. Repressing emotions makes it difficult to build trust and intimacy, as partners are unable to fully express their authentic selves and respond to each other's needs. Emotional repression can make aftercare difficult. Aftercare is the process of emotional support and bonding after a scene. It relies on open communication and allows a safe space for emotional expression. Repressing emotions can make aftercare challenging and less effective. Emotional repression increases the risk of accidents. When emotions aren't addressed, they can manifest as unexpected outbursts or overreactions during play. This could potentially lead to accidents and unsafe situations.

Emotional Repression and the Four Pillars

Communication

Emotional repression can lead to difficulty keeping the pillar of Communication. If individuals are not comfortable expressing their feelings, they will struggle to communicate their boundaries, limits, and desires in BDSM, which can lead to unsafe and uncomfortable situations.

Trust

Emotional repression erodes the pillar of trust. Hiding our true emotions will erode trust between partners, as it creates an environment of guardedness and inauthenticity. While the stoic sternness of a d-type has its place and desire, the inability for a d-type to ever express emotions shows they are unable to be their true authentic self, and will act as a warning red flag for potential s-types. This also acts as a subliminal message to s-types that some emotions (or even all emotions) are a sign of weakness, and unsafe to express, leading to a cycle of constant back and forth emotional turmoil between the two sides of the slash - leading to the inability to be genuine in a dynamic.


Honesty

Emotional repression is dishonest to ourselves and our partner. If we are unable to be our authentic self, we are not giving our partner the truest version of us. It is a mask, a facade, to show them only the parts we want them to see.

Respect

Emotional repression is disrespect. Not only is our inability to be our authentic self dishonest, it is disrespectful towards our partner by expecting them to be their true authentic self when we cannot do the same. If we enter into a dynamic, knowing we cannot match the efforts our partner puts into the dynamic, that is disrespect.


"That sense of weakness that doms like to mock is in fact the vehicle through which we communicate. It is the thing that enables the sub to adopt a position of inferiority, to look at us from a distance with that sense of wonder and admiration and longing that makes them eager to serve. Weakness isn’t bad; it’s just the opposite version of strength." 
- hadriantemple



Ultimately, in BDSM it is crucial to cultivate a safe and supportive environment where individuals feel comfortable expressing their emotions, both positive and negative. This fosters a deeper connection, builds trust and promotes overall well-being for everyone involved. BDSM has always rejected traditional relationship norms, and instead create an environment of self-expression. BDSM has always strived to rid societal expectations and pressures to conform to standard ideas of how love should look, how connection should look, and how expressing desire should look. The BDSM lifestyle has always strived to create a safe space to freely express, not repress. Why would that ever change because of a person’s role?


I recognize the “social media expert” this was intended to silence, isn’t going to read half of what I’ve said. But I don’t feel I’m wasting my breath, because in truth, this was never for them. This is for every person who is fed up with toxic masculinity and the patriarchy, and the disgusting affects it has on the lifestyle. This is for every submissive to better understand the red flag of a person repressing emotions. This is for every female identifying d-type who wonders why they get hate just for being who they are. This is for every new d-type who is struggling with the expectation of being a stone statue. This is for every biological male dominant who is tired of not being able to feel safe to cry or be sad or feel broken.

I am so tired of toxic masculinity being an acceptable excuse. It won’t fly here.
_________________________________________________________________


Further Reading:

A Few Thoughts on Kink, Depression, and Toxic MasculinityThe Dominatrix liberating men from toxic masculinity
at
Subscribe to: Comments (Atom)