On a personal level, I recently found myself in the middle of a heated social media debate over the expectation that a d-type should remain emotionless in the face of adversity. Some insight here, this was in response to a hot take that the lack of confidence a d-type may have could, in partial, be in response to the s-type. There is a misconception that silently challenging a d-type to meet expectations without providing any guidance into what those expectations are, was part of giving submission. Often the d-type partner will do their best to “figure it out,” but falls short from whatever unspoken expectations the s-type has, making the s-type respond with annoyance or coldness. Glamorized portrayals of the BDSM lifestyle show a d-type surprising their s-type and meeting all expectations, with little work or effort from the s-type (thanks BookTok). But this just isn’t the case. D-types aren’t mind readers, and it can be very confusing when navigating mixed signals. So their confidence takes a hit. Do you know what often comes with the frustration of trying to navigate these unspoken expectations and mixed signals? Emotions.
Now tell me why a “social media expert” wanted to argue about how wrong it is for a d-type to display emotion in that scenario? Heaven forbid a d-type shed some tears. In fact, the direct quote was “if a dominant breaks down crying because of a submissive’s reactions, stubbornness, grumbling, or anything else, that ‘dominant’ isn’t a dominant at all and is just playing at it. A dominant must be able to handle adversity. If they can’t handle a ‘testing’ submissive, they have no business trying to dominate anyone.”
If you’re getting a gatekeeper vibe from that, I don’t blame you. If it gives you the ick, it should. The quoted person went on to blame their Old Guard training and mindset as the reasoning for this take. But here’s the thing: this isn't a matter of Old Guard vs New Guard. This is more a matter of toxic masculinity, and its harmful effects on the BDSM lifestyle. Emotions are valid no matter what side of the slash a person is on. Expressing emotions does not dictate how dominant or successfully dominant a person is. The idea that d-types are stoic at all times, void of showing emotions, is extremely dangerous and damaging to the BDSM community, especially new practitioners. This sets unobtainable societal expectations on new d-types, and really paints the wrong picture for new s-types. D-types are human just like everyone else, full of various emotions. It is wrong to pretend they aren’t.
According to the New York Times, toxic masculinity refers to a set of behaviors and beliefs that include suppressing emotions, maintaining an appearance of toughness and using violence as an indicator of power. It is the result of teaching a generation of young boys that they can't express their emotions openly and that displaying any emotion whatsoever is a sign of emasculation and femininity – traits that are taught as wrong for a male to have. This concept is heavily pushed by patriarchal societies, and has led to the unfortunate influx of mental health disorders and male suicide. Because of a patriarchal backing, it's not a surprise to me that there are minimal articles about toxic masculinity's effect on the BDSM lifestyle, and how it diminishes the ability for dynamics to build healthy connection, have positive experiences, and have longevity.
In the spirit of furthering education, I am thus here writing this. I cannot, in good conscious, complain about the lack of information available, when I have the means to make the information available. And while this whole topic was originally just me arguing with a “social media expert” who clearly wasn’t going read or comprehend anything I was saying, I felt this was important enough that it needs to be said louder. Consider this as me with my megaphone. I’m on my soapbox, and I am only just starting.
It is further no surprise to me that the majority of opinions on how d-types should present themselves, lacks inclusion of female identifying dominant dynamics. Instead, the role toxic masculinity and patriarchal society expectations strive to shape female identifying dominants into a more masculine mold. If you look at a stereotypical dominant female, she is most commonly described as a bitch, and ice queen, and unfeeling - all traits toxic masculinity strives to teach to young men as positive in regard to emotions, but when applied to a female, are negative and undesirable traits. Get your feminist pink hats out!
“In a world so set on maintaining hegemonic ways of living, BDSM operates elsewhere”
- @kimoftheinternet
While male submissives do exist, 66% of males involved in kink play prefer dominant or switch roles, while 76% of women prefer submissive roles. It's safe to conclude that the left side of the slash is predominantly male identifying. Insert “male dominated” pun here.
As I stated earlier, the toxic masculine teaching of repressing emotions, is directed entirely to biological males (not even our transmasc brothers). Repressed emotions have been proven to have negative physical effects on the body, such as changes in eating habits, disruptive sleep patterns, headaches, unhealthy coping mechanisms, weakened immune system, and increased likelihood to develop chronic conditions both physically and mentally.
But how do repressed emotions affect our experiences in BDSM?
In BDSM, emotional repression can hinder emotional connection, impact psychological and physical well-being, and potentially undermine the safety and trust that is essential for kink play and BDSM practices.
Emotional repression can reduce intimacy. BDSM thrives on emotional vulnerability and connection. Repressing emotions makes it difficult to build trust and intimacy, as partners are unable to fully express their authentic selves and respond to each other's needs. Emotional repression can make aftercare difficult. Aftercare is the process of emotional support and bonding after a scene. It relies on open communication and allows a safe space for emotional expression. Repressing emotions can make aftercare challenging and less effective. Emotional repression increases the risk of accidents. When emotions aren't addressed, they can manifest as unexpected outbursts or overreactions during play. This could potentially lead to accidents and unsafe situations.
Emotional Repression and the Four Pillars
Communication
Emotional repression can lead to difficulty keeping the pillar of Communication. If individuals are not comfortable expressing their feelings, they will struggle to communicate their boundaries, limits, and desires in BDSM, which can lead to unsafe and uncomfortable situations.Trust
Emotional repression erodes the pillar of trust. Hiding our true emotions will erode trust between partners, as it creates an environment of guardedness and inauthenticity. While the stoic sternness of a d-type has its place and desire, the inability for a d-type to ever express emotions shows they are unable to be their true authentic self, and will act as a warning red flag for potential s-types. This also acts as a subliminal message to s-types that some emotions (or even all emotions) are a sign of weakness, and unsafe to express, leading to a cycle of constant back and forth emotional turmoil between the two sides of the slash - leading to the inability to be genuine in a dynamic.
Honesty
Emotional repression is dishonest to ourselves and our partner. If we are unable to be our authentic self, we are not giving our partner the truest version of us. It is a mask, a facade, to show them only the parts we want them to see. Respect
Emotional repression is disrespect. Not only is our inability to be our authentic self dishonest, it is disrespectful towards our partner by expecting them to be their true authentic self when we cannot do the same. If we enter into a dynamic, knowing we cannot match the efforts our partner puts into the dynamic, that is disrespect."That sense of weakness that doms like to mock is in fact the vehicle through which we communicate. It is the thing that enables the sub to adopt a position of inferiority, to look at us from a distance with that sense of wonder and admiration and longing that makes them eager to serve. Weakness isn’t bad; it’s just the opposite version of strength."
- hadriantemple
I recognize the “social media expert” this was intended to silence, isn’t going to read half of what I’ve said. But I don’t feel I’m wasting my breath, because in truth, this was never for them. This is for every person who is fed up with toxic masculinity and the patriarchy, and the disgusting affects it has on the lifestyle. This is for every submissive to better understand the red flag of a person repressing emotions. This is for every female identifying d-type who wonders why they get hate just for being who they are. This is for every new d-type who is struggling with the expectation of being a stone statue. This is for every biological male dominant who is tired of not being able to feel safe to cry or be sad or feel broken.
I am so tired of toxic masculinity being an acceptable excuse. It won’t fly here.
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