Emotional Repression & It’s Harm In BDSM

In my years in the lifestyle, and the culture that is BDSM, I frequently see a stereotypical image of “dominance” come up time and time again. The depiction of a chiseled male, in monochromatic clothing, with a hand around the throat of a woman, or holding a whip or paddle. His gaze is hard, focused. He is stoic, stone, and void of emotion. When discussing the characteristics of a d-type, with other community members, one common trait that is frequently repeated is the level-headed emotionless demeanor a d-type should portray.


On a personal level, I recently found myself in the middle of a heated social media debate over the expectation that a d-type should remain emotionless in the face of adversity. Some insight here, this was in response to a hot take that the lack of confidence a d-type may have could, in partial, be in response to the s-type. There is a misconception that silently challenging a d-type to meet expectations without providing any guidance into what those expectations are, was part of giving submission. Often the d-type partner will do their best to “figure it out,” but falls short from whatever unspoken expectations the s-type has, making the s-type respond with annoyance or coldness. Glamorized portrayals of the BDSM lifestyle show a d-type surprising their s-type and meeting all expectations, with little work or effort from the s-type (thanks BookTok). But this just isn’t the case. D-types aren’t mind readers, and it can be very confusing when navigating mixed signals. So their confidence takes a hit. Do you know what often comes with the frustration of trying to navigate these unspoken expectations and mixed signals? Emotions.


Now tell me why a “social media expert” wanted to argue about how wrong it is for a d-type to display emotion in that scenario? Heaven forbid a d-type shed some tears. In fact, the direct quote was “if a dominant breaks down crying because of a submissive’s reactions, stubbornness, grumbling, or anything else, that ‘dominant’ isn’t a dominant at all and is just playing at it. A dominant must be able to handle adversity. If they can’t handle a ‘testing’ submissive, they have no business trying to dominate anyone.”


If you’re getting a gatekeeper vibe from that, I don’t blame you. If it gives you the ick, it should. The quoted person went on to blame their Old Guard training and mindset as the reasoning for this take. But here’s the thing: this isn't a matter of Old Guard vs New Guard. This is more a matter of toxic masculinity, and its harmful effects on the BDSM lifestyle. Emotions are valid no matter what side of the slash a person is on. Expressing emotions does not dictate how dominant or successfully dominant a person is. The idea that d-types are stoic at all times, void of showing emotions, is extremely dangerous and damaging to the BDSM community, especially new practitioners. This sets unobtainable societal expectations on new d-types, and really paints the wrong picture for new s-types. D-types are human just like everyone else, full of various emotions. It is wrong to pretend they aren’t.


According to the New York Times, toxic masculinity refers to a set of behaviors and beliefs that include suppressing emotions, maintaining an appearance of toughness and using violence as an indicator of power. It is the result of teaching a generation of young boys that they can't express their emotions openly and that displaying any emotion whatsoever is a sign of emasculation and femininity – traits that are taught as wrong for a male to have. This concept is heavily pushed by patriarchal societies, and has led to the unfortunate influx of mental health disorders and male suicide. Because of a patriarchal backing, it's not a surprise to me that there are minimal articles about toxic masculinity's effect on the BDSM lifestyle, and how it diminishes the ability for dynamics to build healthy connection, have positive experiences, and have longevity.


In the spirit of furthering education, I am thus here writing this. I cannot, in good conscious, complain about the lack of information available, when I have the means to make the information available. And while this whole topic was originally just me arguing with a “social media expert” who clearly wasn’t going read or comprehend anything I was saying, I felt this was important enough that it needs to be said louder. Consider this as me with my megaphone. I’m on my soapbox, and I am only just starting.


It is further no surprise to me that the majority of opinions on how d-types should present themselves, lacks inclusion of female identifying dominant dynamics. Instead, the role toxic masculinity and patriarchal society expectations strive to shape female identifying dominants into a more masculine mold. If you look at a stereotypical dominant female, she is most commonly described as a bitch, and ice queen, and unfeeling - all traits toxic masculinity strives to teach to young men as positive in regard to emotions, but when applied to a female, are negative and undesirable traits. Get your feminist pink hats out!

“In a world so set on maintaining hegemonic ways of living, BDSM operates elsewhere”

- @kimoftheinternet

While male submissives do exist, 66% of males involved in kink play prefer dominant or switch roles, while 76% of women prefer submissive roles. It's safe to conclude that the left side of the slash is predominantly male identifying. Insert “male dominated” pun here.


As I stated earlier, the toxic masculine teaching of repressing emotions, is directed entirely to biological males (not even our transmasc brothers). Repressed emotions have been proven to have negative physical effects on the body, such as changes in eating habits, disruptive sleep patterns, headaches, unhealthy coping mechanisms, weakened immune system, and increased likelihood to develop chronic conditions both physically and mentally.

But how do repressed emotions affect our experiences in BDSM?

In BDSM, emotional repression can hinder emotional connection, impact psychological and physical well-being, and potentially undermine the safety and trust that is essential for kink play and BDSM practices.


Emotional repression can reduce intimacy. BDSM thrives on emotional vulnerability and connection. Repressing emotions makes it difficult to build trust and intimacy, as partners are unable to fully express their authentic selves and respond to each other's needs. Emotional repression can make aftercare difficult. Aftercare is the process of emotional support and bonding after a scene. It relies on open communication and allows a safe space for emotional expression. Repressing emotions can make aftercare challenging and less effective. Emotional repression increases the risk of accidents. When emotions aren't addressed, they can manifest as unexpected outbursts or overreactions during play. This could potentially lead to accidents and unsafe situations.

Emotional Repression and the Four Pillars

Communication

Emotional repression can lead to difficulty keeping the pillar of Communication. If individuals are not comfortable expressing their feelings, they will struggle to communicate their boundaries, limits, and desires in BDSM, which can lead to unsafe and uncomfortable situations.

Trust

Emotional repression erodes the pillar of trust. Hiding our true emotions will erode trust between partners, as it creates an environment of guardedness and inauthenticity. While the stoic sternness of a d-type has its place and desire, the inability for a d-type to ever express emotions shows they are unable to be their true authentic self, and will act as a warning red flag for potential s-types. This also acts as a subliminal message to s-types that some emotions (or even all emotions) are a sign of weakness, and unsafe to express, leading to a cycle of constant back and forth emotional turmoil between the two sides of the slash - leading to the inability to be genuine in a dynamic.

Honesty

Emotional repression is dishonest to ourselves and our partner. If we are unable to be our authentic self, we are not giving our partner the truest version of us. It is a mask, a facade, to show them only the parts we want them to see.

Respect

Emotional repression is disrespect. Not only is our inability to be our authentic self dishonest, it is disrespectful towards our partner by expecting them to be their true authentic self when we cannot do the same. If we enter into a dynamic, knowing we cannot match the efforts our partner puts into the dynamic, that is disrespect.

"That sense of weakness that doms like to mock is in fact the vehicle through which we communicate. It is the thing that enables the sub to adopt a position of inferiority, to look at us from a distance with that sense of wonder and admiration and longing that makes them eager to serve. Weakness isn’t bad; it’s just the opposite version of strength." 

- hadriantemple

Ultimately, in BDSM it is crucial to cultivate a safe and supportive environment where individuals feel comfortable expressing their emotions, both positive and negative. This fosters a deeper connection, builds trust and promotes overall well-being for everyone involved. BDSM has always rejected traditional relationship norms, and instead create an environment of self-expression. BDSM has always strived to rid societal expectations and pressures to conform to standard ideas of how love should look, how connection should look, and how expressing desire should look. The BDSM lifestyle has always strived to create a safe space to freely express, not repress. Why would that ever change because of a person’s role?

I recognize the “social media expert” this was intended to silence, isn’t going to read half of what I’ve said. But I don’t feel I’m wasting my breath, because in truth, this was never for them. This is for every person who is fed up with toxic masculinity and the patriarchy, and the disgusting affects it has on the lifestyle. This is for every submissive to better understand the red flag of a person repressing emotions. This is for every female identifying d-type who wonders why they get hate just for being who they are. This is for every new d-type who is struggling with the expectation of being a stone statue. This is for every biological male dominant who is tired of not being able to feel safe to cry or be sad or feel broken.

I am so tired of toxic masculinity being an acceptable excuse. It won’t fly here.

_________________________________________________________________

Further Reading:

A Few Thoughts on Kink, Depression, and Toxic Masculinity

Toxicity & Immaturity in Kink Communities

Toxic Masculinity in Power Exchange | A Dominant's Perspective

The Dominatrix liberating men from toxic masculinity

How Toxic Masculinity Hurts Everyone's Sex Lives

BDSM: The Stigma of the Male Submissive

Impact Play

What is impact play? 

Impact play is a form of kink play that involves hitting or striking your partner either with an impact instrument or with your own body. It is frequently used in sadomasichism play, and generally the most common thought of play type. When used as a punishment, it can fulfill the discipline aspect of BDSM. 

There are numerous types of impact play, including but not limited to, spanking, hitting/kicking, paddling, flogging, whipping, cropping, caning, and more. 

Safety

As with all play, the most important things in terms of safety are consent and using safewords. Play without genuine consent is abuse/assault, so it is detrimental that all involved parties are consenting to play. Safewords provide an extra safety net to play. They allow us to communicate when we are close to our limits, and when we need to tap out. Remember, using safewords is never the end goal; which is especially true in impact play. 

Remember SSC, RACK, PRICK, BORK, and CCCC? Those are also safety measures that should be considered and utilized during the preparation and execution of impact scenes. Which do you follow, and how can you incorporate it into your impact play?

For impact play, you made need to incorporate specific things in your first aid and aftercare kits. Scissors, bolt cutters, or a knife can be very important if you intend on using restraints. Aloe, antibiotic ointment, cooling lotion, soothing balms, and various bandages are all important if impact play breaks the skin. Ice packs and heating pads are good for sore muscles.

The importance of research and practice is crucial for impact play. Depending on the instrument used in play, different techniques can be used to wield it. It is also extremely important to know some basic human anatomy, and where are safe and unsafe places to strike. General rule of thumb: the more squishy and fleshy the area, the better that area takes impact. Places like the buttocks, thighs, and breasts are great areas. The forearms and shoulder blades can take some impact, but may not be able to take harder impact. All joints, the neck, stomach, and lower back, are NO ZONES, meaning impact should n ver be implemented in these areas. Any area that is already injured should also be avoided. 

Finally, it is important to find your own limits and pain threshold. When starting out, it may be a good idea for the receiver to provide a numeric level of where they gauge the strike in terms of their pain threshold. What one person may label as a 3, another may label as a 7. As you explore more together, you’ll find an intensity level that works for both of you. Different impact instruments will provide different intensities and are usually labeled either as a “stingy” pain or a “thuddy” pain. Thuddy impact usually leaves longer lasting marks, whereas stingy impact is usually able to be handled for a longer period of time. 

The Scene

There are various positions for easy impact play. Putting the receiver over the knee (otk) is great for short range impact like spanking and paddling. Standing the receiver is great for whipping and flogging. Putting the receiver on all fours or bent over is great for long range paddles, canes, and crops. You may find having the receiver lay down works best for high intensity impact. Any of these positions can be reinforced with restraints, which not only can heighten pleasure for a receiver who enjoys them, but also provide physical support during impact play. 

Start your scene with a warm up. Softer impact with open hand spanking, using a paddle, or even a wooden spoon, hairbrush, or wooden ruler, will ease the receiver into impact, and prepare them for harder impact. 

Move to a bit more intensity and more sting, gradually. Slappers, and light flogging are great tools to

slowly increase intensity. 

At the height of your scene, you can touch your max intensity with canes, crops, belts, whips, long range paddles, and harder flogging. Remember the goal is not to make the receiver safeword, rather to experience pleasure through the pain of impact. For punishments, you can push intensity further (if consented to). Ultimately, the length of the scene will greatly depend on the limits of the receiver. 

Bring your scene back down from this intensity by easing back down into lighter impact, striking slower with less force, and then move into aftercare as you would with any play. Impact play is notorious for triggering drop. Be prepared to tend to drop symptoms for both parties. The crash from high adrenaline can easily push the receiver into drop, and the post-scene clarity can leave the giver uncertain about what they just did - triggering drop. Depending on the intensity of play, there may be wounds to tend to, sore muscles, fatigue, dehydration, and may other after affects. Be prepared to address any affects that may come up during your aftercare.

Keep It Interesting

Use your own creativity to keep impact scenes interesting. Having the receiver pick out and prepare the impact tools before play starts, or even having them create the tool, can provide time for them to meditate

and mentally prepare for play. During play, having the receiver count each strike, or provide gratitude or praise after each strike, can keep them mentally present in the moment, and practice discipline. Wearing costumes or fetish gear, even roleplaying during impact play can offer creativity and keep scenes interesting. Using the handle of an impact instrument to penetrate the receiver, or having the receiver wear a plug or clamps, can increase intensity levels. Remember, you can always incorporate impact play into other types of scenes as well!

Get creative with impact instruments. While we have discussed some common ones, creative freedom is encouraged! Kitchen utensils, yard sticks, a rolled newspaper or magazine, jump ropes, sandals, some sports equipment like rackets, and even a sock with a tennis ball inside it, can provide creative impact play and be budget friendly.

Safe Words & Safe Signals

What Is A Safe Word

An important first component before indulging in any type of kink play, is establishing safe words and safe signals. A safe word is a term used to stop a scene when you are at your limit. Similarly, a safe signal is an action or gesture that is used to stop a scene. These are tools to allow you to safely end a scene, and should be respected no matter what type of dynamic you and your partner have. Safe words and signals allow us to set and keep boundaries, and help us establish trust with our partner. 

Pro Tip: a common misconception is that safe words are only for a submissive to use, when in reality, safewords can be used by either the dominant or submissive partner. Safe words are also not exclusive to kink play, and can be used in conversation, and in vanilla situations as well.

Choosing A Safe Word

When choosing a safe word, it is important that you and your partner choose the word together, so that both of you understand the significance and meaning of the chosen word. Otherwise, choosing the actual word is up to you. Ideally, you want to use a word other than "no"  or "stop" as some types of kink play involve role play situations where "no" and "stop" don't actually mean no, or stop. You will also want to choose a word or signal that is not commonly used during kink play, that way there is no confusion as to what is being meant. 

Using multiple methods and safe words/signals simultaneously is also an option, as long as you and your partner communicate and are on the same page about what all will be used. Find what works best for your situation!

The Traffic Light System

A commonly used safe word system is the "Traffic Light System." Newer practitioners may also recognize this system from the Fifty Shades of Grey series - arguably, the only part of BDSM that the series got right. Similar to the intended use of a traffic light, each color represents a level of safe word. This allows for communication throughout the scene, without things having to come to a complete stop. This is great for trying something new, or learning the limits of a new partner. 

Green - 

Go for it! This is like granting permission to continue the activity/intensity. It is a way to communicate that you are happy to continue and enjoying the level of play, and ready to take on more.

Yellow - 

Pause. This is a good indicator that you're nearing your limit and you need to switch things up, lighten the intensity, and maybe have a check in with your partner. A check in will allow more communication on what needs to happen next, whether that is changing positions or sensations, taking a break, lightening the intensity, or just offering some reassurance. 

Red - 

Full stop. This is the limit. It's time for play to end, restraints to come off, and check in with your partner. You may find you just need a break, you may find it is time to move to aftercare. Later, after emotions settle, talk about what triggered this safe word, and how it can be avoided in the future. 

Some other colors that are commonly used are Blue and Beige:

Blue - 

Full stop. Similarly to Red, this tells our partner it's time for play to end, but for a different reason than our limits being reached. Blue tells us there is a medical reason for ending play. This is great for participants who may have a medical condition that could potentially flair up during play, like diabetic low blood sugar, seizure disorders, PTSD flashbacks, etc. There most likely won't be a return to play at this point, and aftercare should be initiated once the medical situation is under control. 

Pro Tip: make sure you communicate your medical conditions to your partner PRIOR to play, and explain how they are expected to handle it if it becomes an issue during play: needing insulin, needing a snack/drink to increase blood sugar levels, needing a safe environment to seize, needing to call medical professionals (911), needing medication administered, etc. 

Beige - 

Harder. You're nowhere near your limit, and you need more intensity. Commonly used in bratting dynamics, this can also be used as a brat technique to "poke the bear." This can also be reassurance to the dominant that the submissive is ready and able to take things up a notch, which can be helpful in newer dynamics. 

Establishing Safe Signals

Safe signals allow for communication if a participant is gagged, or otherwise unable to verbalize their safe word. The downside to safe signals is the responsibility of safety falling fully on the dominant remembering to check for signals, leaving more room for error. Thus, playing without the ability to vocalize a safe word, should be approached with caution, extra planning, and diligence. 

Similarly to the above Traffic Light Method, using numbers to indicate what level a participant is on, can communicate through a scene without needing to stop things entirely. 

• 1 Finger: Green, all good, keep going
• 2 Fingers: Yellow, nearing the limit, switch things up and check in
• 3 Fingers: Red, full stop and check in 
• 4 Fingers: Blue, full stop for medical reasons

Another commonly used safe signal is dropping a held object. Usually a small ball of some sort, the submissive will hold the object until they have reached their limit. Then they will drop the object, signaling to the dominant that the are at their limit. This does not allow for constant communication throughout the scene, and is very much an all-or-nothing situation. 

The Importance of Safe Words & Signals

No matter what safe word and signal you decide to use, there should always be one established. Even in Master/slave dynamics, a safe word and signal should be available for emergency purposes. While the goal is always to never NEED a safe word, it should still be a tool available. 

No, the goal is never to make a submissive use their safe word. Safe words aren't finish lines, they're alarms telling you to stay away. Any participant under the impression that safe words are goals, or the only way to end play, needs to re-evaluate everything they think they have learned about BDSM. Go back to square one, my friend, and start over. In fact, a good place to start over is The BDSM Fundamental House of Virtues and Acronyms For Ethical and Safe BDSM Play. 

Safe words and signals allow us to safely explore new types of play and fetishes, by providing us with a way to communicate throughout our exploration, and having a clear way to end play. They allow us to change our mind about types of play, and even slow down to process if this play is right for us. These safety tools help us build communication and trust with our partner. Talking through limits, establishing safe words and signals, and their meanings, helps us also be a safe space for our partner. You both can enter into play safely, and trust each other to stop, slow down, and communicate with one another. 

However, establishing and using safe words and signals is not a substitute for having an in depth conversation about boundaries and limits. You should be doing BOTH of these things if you want to fully engage in a healthy dynamic and kink play. Check out our article on Limits & Boundaries to help you navigate this conversation!