The Relationship Bill of Rights
You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt:- to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation, including violence directed at your property, violence in your vicinity aimed at intimidating you (such as hitting the wall and slamming doors), and threats of violence or intimidation, including indirect threats
- to say “no” and have your no respected (beware, beware, beware the person who wants a reason for your no, and then tries to convince you that your reason is invalid)
- to say “yes” and have your yes believed
- to be secure in your person and your effects, without fear that your possessions or property will be subject to disposal or destruction without your consent
- to have your agency and autonomy respected, including without reservation:
- your right to exercise your own choices over what you wear and what you eat
- your right to choose professionals such as medical and mental health practitioners (I once had a partner demand I stop seeing a female doctor instead of a male doctor)
- your right to your own body, which extends not only to the clothes you wear but also to any tattoos, piercings, or other ornamentation, as you see fit, and to your physical presentation of yourself
- how you spend your leisure time, including the books you read, the games you play, and other discretionary use of your own time
- to express yourself as you choose, so long as those expressions do not infringe upon others, including choosing the entertainment you consume, the music you listen to, and the art you create
- to be informed of anything that impacts or might impact your sexual health
- to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with whatever consenting adult you choose
- to maintain existing friendships and form new ones
- to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time
- to be believed when you communicate your feelings, thoughts, and boundaries (telling you what you’re feeling instead of listening to you describe your feelings, and telling you what your boundaries are instead of listening to you express your boundaries, is an especially insidious form of gaslighting)
- to be believed when you consent
- to believe others when they consent
- to be told the truth
- to hold and express your own point of view, including not only in your family or relationship but also in the communities to which you belong (if your community bullies, threatens, intimidates, or harasses you for holding an opinion contrary to the community's, that may be a sign of toxicity in your community)
- to feel and communicate your emotions and needs
- to set boundaries concerning access to yourself, your person, your intimacy, your space, and your property, including without limitation:
- the right to choose who you spend time with, where, and when;
- the right to say “no” when other people want your time or attention;
- the right to choose not to give your time, attention, intimacy, or access to your body to someone else;
- the right to choose who you will and will not communicate with;
- the right to choose your own social group, both in-person and online
- to have and expect privacy, including being secure in your messages, email, and other electronic communication, your phone, and other electronic devices
- to choose whether you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship
- to grow and change
- to make mistakes
- to end a relationship at any time for any reason
- to decide how many romantic partners you want, whether that’s none, one, or more than one
- to decide how many sexual partners you want, whether that’s none, one, or more than one
- to decide to what extent you require romantic and sexual relationships to be connected
- to be who you are in terms of sexual identity, orientation, and expression, without having others contradict, ridicule, or deny your identity
- to choose your own partners, including both in the positive sense (you may choose to be in a relationship with someone who also wants to be in a relationship with you, and keep that relationship even if someone else tells you not to) and in a negative sense (you may decline an offer of a relationship, and also decline to date people others say you should date)
- to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take
- to choose how much time and resources you will invest in your relationships, and for this to be different for different people if that’s what you choose
- to choose your living arrangements, including choosing to share your living space with a particular person or not to do so (indeed, you may choose to live alone if you like, and that’s your right)
- to understand clearly any conditions that will apply to your personal connections, and to be informed when these change
- to discuss with the people in your life, including friends, family, and lovers, decisions that affect you
- to choose to spend time alone with anyone who also wants the same with you, including friends, family, and lovers
- to spend your time without having to account for it to other people
- to enjoy passion and special moments with those you choose
- to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with other people’s friends, family, social circle, or other partners
- to be treated with courtesy
- to form connections with people as individuals
- to expect to have promises to you kept when possible, not broken for trivial reasons
The Polyamory Bill of Rights
This framework, also known more widely as the Relationship Bill of Rights, was designed to protect individual autonomy, consent, and emotional safety. It was written to combat the toxic trend of relationships opening and then creating strict rules that disempowered secondary partners.** This is not a legal document, rather a framework recognized in non-monogamous communities.
The bill states that regardless of a relationship's rank or tenure, the individuals within the relationship possess inherent rights that cannot be overridden by someone else's rules or insecurities.
- Physical + Emotional Sovereignty - you have the right to personal agency; to choose the exact level of intimacy and involvement, and to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time. You have the right to feel your emotions; to communicate discomforts and needs without being shamed, blamed, or guilted. You have the right to say no; to reject requests from others without facing retaliation or emotional manipulation.
- Radical Transparency + Growth - you have the right to the truth; to be told the truth by your partners, so that you can make a fully informed decision about your sexual and emotional safety. You have the right to fluidity; to grow, change, make mistakes, and renegotiate agreements that are no longer working for you. You have the right to exit; to de-escalate or completely end a relationship that is no longer serving your mental health.
Remember, a written document is not a magical cure-all. Practicing ethical and healthy polyamory relies heavily on active empathy, daily patience, and continuous communication. The bill is meant only as a baseline to analyze if the relationship agreements are rooted in care or hidden control.
Reflection
- Am I defending my right to say "no?" Do I feel fully safe rejecting a request from a partner or metamour regarding scheduling, sexual acts, or social integration, or do I agree out of fear of emotional manipulation or abandonment?