Relationship Escalator
In standard monogamous relationships, the relationship escalator operates as a one-way upward trajectory of how the relationship will evolve. Under this model, any relationship that plateaus, de-escalates, or ends before reaching the final steps, is labeled as a "failure," regardless of how healthy, loving, or transformative it was.
In polyamory however, the relationship escalator is either a conscious decision polyamory relationships make together, or completely stepped off of.
When making this decision, there are many factors polyamorous relationships consider. Due to legal and institutional systems, a polyamorous person can really only ride the full escalator with one partner. This means polyamorous groups must truly learn how to validate relationships that cannot progress up the escalator. Another consideration is the creation of a new non-monogamous escalator, but it must ensure it does not add undue pressure on a new connection to automatically progress up this new escalator if they are uncomfortable or in effort to prove the seriousness of the relationship.
Fluid Bonding
In monogamy, barrier-free intercourse is an expected point on the relationship escalator. However in polyamory, it is a bit more of a strategic choice. Some polyamorous people prefer to keep strict barrier rules with some or all of their partners. For some, there is a deep emotional significance to fluid bonding, for others its a pragmatic and utilitarian medical risk to consider.Either way, choosing to fluid bond with a partner should require deep consideration for the entire polyamorous group's safety. Regular STI testing and transparency is necessary to keep everyone healthy.
In terms of language, there is a big push to evolve the term "fluid bonding," due to the heteronormative bias, manufactured hierarchy, and preference for more clinical descriptors. The term is often frequently implies only penetrative intercourse as fluid bonding, which ignores oral, manual, or queer intercourse - all of which can exchange fluids. The term also is sometimes seen as a gatekeeping mechanism to create a hierarchy rank that is held over other partners, rather than basing the decision to fluid bond on a logical assessment of physical risk. Many educators are opting for terms like "barrier-free intimacy" to remove relationship drama from the medical reality of the act.
Reflection
- What does "progress" mean to me outside of social scripts? If a relationship never leads to legal entanglements, can I genuinely value it as a full, successful romance? Or do I secretly feel stuck or stagnant if it doesn't move upward?
- How long is my extended safety chain? Do I genuinely trust the communication practices of our entire network to pass along health updates transparently?
- How do I handle mismatched safety tolerances? If I have a high tolerance for risk and want to drop barriers, but my partner requires stricter boundaries to feel safe, can I respect the boundaries without shaming, pressuring, or treating it as a lack of trust?