Both the "don't ask, don't tell" and the "one penis policy" are considered highly controversial rules in polyamory. They are often implemented by beginners to avoid jealousy and manage insecurity, but are considered major red flags by more experienced practitioners.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Intent - acts as an emotional shield, with the goal being to gain sexual or romantic variety while attempting to completely avoid jealousy by pretending the other relationship does not exist.Reality - exceptionally difficult to sustain where emotional entanglements exist. It acts as an "open loop" but leaves the partners constantly guessing. Basic logistics like scheduling and transparency about sexual health, nearly impossible to manage. It often results in one partner feeling like a secret.
One Penis Policy
Intent - designed to manage a male partner's specific insecurity regarding sexual comparison with other men, allowing his partner some freedom while keeping his own ego secure.Reality - operates on a homophobic assumption that sex and romance between two women isn't "real sex" or a true threat to a primary relationship. The double standard is that the male partner often retains the freedom to date any gender, while his female partner's autonomy is restricted based on genitalia, and often breeds deep resentment over this double standard. It also relies on rigid, oversimplified binaries, reducing human gender identity and complex relationship dynamics down entirely to genitalia.
** If a bisexual woman choose on her own accord to only date women, that is a healthy expression of personal autonomy. It becomes toxic when it is an enforced rule that is dictated by an insecure partner to control her choices.
Reflection
- Am I choosing a relationship structure out of true comfort or out of emotional avoidance? Am I using information blackouts because it fits my independent lifestyle, or am I trying to ignore my partner's other relationships because of intense anxiety?
- Do I have forced policies or am I allowing for autonomous preferences? If my partner chooses on their own accord to only date a specific gender, and I celebrating their personal preference, or am I enforcing a binding mandate that threatens our relationship's survival if my partner's attraction shifts?
- What would happen if we replaced rules with reassurance? Instead of using a controversial rule to artificially control our external environment, what specific, internal anchors do we need to feel completely secure in our core bond?