These concepts highlight emotional hurdles, structural inequalities, and friction points that are commonly encountered in polyamory.
Cowboying
The Concept - this concept describes a situation where a monogamous person will create a deep emotional bond with a polyamorous person, and then slowly plant seeds of doubt, downplay the validity of polyamory, and eventually give an emotional ultimatum to choose monogamy with them, or lose them.The Reality - while most view the monogamous "cowboy" as the manipulative one, accountability still lies on the polyamorous partner. Cowboying only succeeds when the poly partner willingly gives up responsibility, breaks their agreements, and chooses to leave their other partner(s).
Polybombing
The Concept - seen as "dropping an explosion" on a monogamous commitment, this concept can be weaponized to pressure an insecure partner into a structure they are not ready for. However, it can also happen unconsciously when someone experiences a genuine internal self discovery and simply expresses it poorly.The Reality - there is argument that the term "polybombing" unfairly demonizes a partner who is simply "coming out" about their orientation. Regardless of intent, opening relationships while under pressure can carry a high risk of the relationship failing.
Couple's Privilege
The Concept - often unconsciously done, this concept shows up in everyday behavior, and describes a systematic advantage, power, or automatic priority over new connections.The Reality - our society was not created for polyamory, and things like tax codes, housing and medical laws, and even mainstream social traditions are build around monogamy. Couple's Privilege may be structurally inevitable in some areas. To practice ethically, this privilege must be dismantled by honoring sovereignty, independent boundaries, and autonomy, and avoid added privileges like veto power.
Reflection
- How do I handle subtle monogamous pacing? Do partners sometimes drop comments like "I wish it was just the two of us?" Do I recognize these comments as early seeds of potential cowboying, or do I tend to see them as sweet romantic validations?
- Do I give my relationships time to transition and mourn previous structures? Do I understand that declaring a desire for a specific structure can end our original relationship contract? Am I willing to pause dating new people to give time for my partner to process the transition, or am i rushing forward regardless of their anxiety?
- Am I distributing emotional respect equitably? If I share entanglements with one partner, do I assume this automatically gives us the right to override other partner's time, boundaries, or emotional validity?