Limits & Boundaries

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are limits that we set for ourselves. They vary based on what is important to us, and can be set in several aspects of life, including: work, relationships, family, and conflict. Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they help determine our comfort level, needs, and preferences. Boundaries let us dictate how we want and allow ourselves to be treated, and how we then treat others. They allow for accountability, respect, and open communication.

Having boundaries is not selfish - they set the tone for a healthy relationship.

What do healthy boundaries do?

Boundaries place value on our opinions, and teach us how to respect set limits. Boundaries help us share information, and help us effectively communicate our wants and needs. We should never compromise our values to benefit others, and boundaries help prevent this from happening. Boundaries empower us to say "no" when we need to, as well as to accept "no" from others. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries regularly, will help us recognize when our boundaries are broken. 

How do we create healthy boundaries?

If something is bothering you, speak up immediately; don't let it fester. Offer an alternative option that would work better for you. Remember to commit time for yourself that is spent in ways that build you up. Write it into your schedule like you would for any other commitment, if you need to. Find role models who have good boundaries and adopt some of their boundaries. Finally, practice speaking up about little things, and noticing when things go well afterwards. 

What do healthy boundaries look like?

• I am not comfortable with you using honorifics, and I will not continue interacting if you use them.
• I want you to communicate your feelings, but it is not acceptable for you to yell and slam things.
• I want to go to this event together, but it is not ok to be drunk there. If you are, I will leave.
• I will not tolerate public outbursts.
• I cannot mentor you at this time. 
• I have decided not to attend the event.
• I will not tolerate the use of my materials without proper credit and citation.

What do healthy boundaries not look like?

• You better do this or else... (ultimatum)
• You have to do this or I'm not going to... (threatening/controlling)
• It would be really nice if you did this, but I understand you're busy... (passive aggressive communication)
• It is your fault I feel this way... (blaming)
• I waited for you to do this, but you didn't... (resenting)
• If you don't do this, I will never forgive you... (manipulation)
• *silently getting angry without communicating needs... (avoidance)   

How do we set boundaries?

Remember that setting boundaries takes time and practice. Don't get discouraged if it seems difficult.

1. Identify other's behaviors that you find unacceptable, and ones that are uncomfortable for you.
2. Clearly communicate your boundaries with others. Be assertive - "No" is a complete sentence. You can choose to explain your reasoning or not - either way, be respectful, confident, and assertive. 
3. Decide what to do if someone breaks your boundaries. It may be a tough decision, and tough to carry out (examples: taking a break from the dynamic or even ending the dynamic completely).

The boundary of saying "NO"

• No is a complete sentence.
• No does not require explanation or reasoning.
• No does not have to be negotiated.
• No safeguards our limits.
• No can be silent - no answer, is an answer.
• You do not owe anyone a chance, let alone a second one.

How to say "NO"

• This does not align with my values.
• This is not a priority for me right now.
• Taking this opportunity would spread me too thin.
• I cannot take on any more commitments.
• I am not comfortable discussing this topic.
• I would like to keep my private life private.
• I will not make big decisions under pressure. Give me time to think about it.
• I will have to check my schedule before making a commitment.
• I would like more information before I commit.
• I am not interested.
• I am not a good fit for this opportunity.
• Excuse me, but I was here first.
• This is not the right decision for me.
• I do not have the energy to devote to this.
• I will not risk my health or safety.
• I feel violated and cannot continue.
• I am not ready to take this step yet.
• I have other binding commitments, so I must decline this.
• No.

What do we do when our boundaries are pushed?

Be prepared for people to react strongly to you setting boundaries. You are going against their expectations, and often times that causes others to feel you are limiting them on communication, or choices. Expect an increase in bad behavior from others. People you set boundaries with are going to push them to see how firm in your boundaries you are going to be. If you give in, it will show them that they can continue to treat you the way they want, whether it is healthy for you or not. Maintaining boundaries shows that you will not tolerate being treated poorly. Keep reminding yourself why you are keeping these boundaries. You are important, your health is important, and you are worth more than simply appeasing others.

How do we address boundary pushing?

• I already told you no, do not ask me again.
• I gave my answer, I need you to accept the response I gave you.
• I can sense this is difficult for you to accept, but I need this for myself. Please respect that.
• If I change my mind, I will let you know. Until then, please do not bother me about it; my answer has not changed.
• I may not have told you this before, but it is very important to me.
• I understand you may not like this, however it is important for my own health.
• I know this is not what you want, but I cannot compromise on this.
• I am sorry this boundary makes you feel this way. Please take the time you need to process.

How do we respect the boundaries others set?

Some things we can do to respect the boundaries others have set with us are:

• Knocking on doors of shared spaces, and asking for permission to enter a space that is not ours.
• Being content with not knowing everything about a person.
• Accepting "no" in any form, when it is given to us.
• Staying out of other people's belongings or personal affects.
• Waiting for a return phone call or text.
• Allowing someone to be upset without trying to make them get over it.
• Following any stated or posted rules.
• Not trying to convince others to think exactly like you or do things the exact way you would.

Some things we can say in response to someone setting boundaries with us are:

• I hear what you are saying, and I respect your decision. 
• Yes, no problem.
• You are right, I shouldn't have done that.
• I can work with that.
• I respect that.
• I am struggling with this boundary, but I respect it.
• I am happy to give you space.
• I am sorry if I overstepped in the past.
• I hear how you've been feeling, and I won't do that anymore.
• I hope we can continue this conversation when you are ready.
• May I talk to you about this?
• We do not have to talk about this subject if it triggers you.

How do boundaries become limits?

Boundaries help us establish our limits. Being firm in our boundaries help us to be firm in our limits. Boundaries set limits for ourselves, so that we can set limits for our dynamic.

Boundaries = can occur inside and outside of our dynamic(s).

Limits = the boundaries that we set for our specific dynamic(s).

Why are limits important?

While it is possible that limits can be breached accidentally, creating boundaries will help identify ways we may be uncomfortable and need to assess if a limit should be made. Limits can change over time, so it is important to consistently keep our boundaries, to help identify if a limit may have changed. Certainly all limits should be discussed and negotiated with your partner, along with any changes that may occur. 

Soft Limits = flexible limits that can be pushed or expanded, within the boundaries we set.

Hard Limits = non-negotiable limits that cannot be pushed, expanded, or done in any capacity.  

Having and keeping limits keep us safe. They also clarify our expectations for our partner. Giving up control in a power exchange does not mean that we give up our limits. Lacking limits and being unable to keep our limits make us prime targets for manipulation and abuse. Boundaries outline how we respond to our limits being broken, whether that is taking a break from the dynamic, terminating that type of play, or terminating the dynamic completely.

 

 

Collars

One of the most commonly talked about part of BDSM, is collars. It's every submissive's dream to get one, and every dominant's desire to give one. But what exactly are collars and what do they mean? How are they acquired? As with many aspects of BDSM, collar significance will depend on the type of collar, and the dynamic itself.

It is important to note that a collar is not the goal of a dynamic. Rather, the goal of a dynamic should always be to create a safe environment to explore and express desire, free from societal expectations of how that should look. Dynamics allow us to lean into our true selves and express ourselves however we want. Love, desire, and relationships/dynamics are not a "one size fits all" situation, and the BDSM lifestyle allows us to explore these things in unique ways, and tailor practices to fit our individual needs. So while collars are present in many dynamics, they are not a necessity to have a fulfilling dynamic or positive BDSM lifestyle experiences. Instead, collars are in basic terms, a tool available for a dynamic. 

With the fluidity BDSM and it's practices allow, we come across many different looking collars: from traditional silver rings, to various fetish fashion styles. Sometimes collars look like a bracelet, anklet, ring, or other piece of jewelry. Despite what it may look like or significance it holds, collars are a widely recognized part of the BDSM lifestyle and culture.

Traditional and "Old Guard" (OG) practices tend to hold much more weight in the significance of collars, and the process of collaring is lengthy and not taken lightly. For other's who practice kink play without full immersion into the lifestyle, collars are more a tool to be used, and hold weight similar to that of any other toy or tool for play. And of course, there is a wide array of significance in-between.

Types of collars:

Consideration Collars - used to show the submissive is being considered for a dynamic. It allows for some protection, but can be easily removed as needed.

Training Collars - shows the submissive is in training, and not a fully collared sub in the dynamic.

Permanent Collar - usually given at a collaring ceremony, many consider this to be the highest level of collar, and equate it to a wedding ring. Often times they are worn 24/7 or close to, and can be locked on permanently or (usually) semi permanently. Permanent removal of this collar usually signifies the termination of the dynamic, so many leave the responsibility of any type of collar removal up to the dominant.

Day Collars - often times when collars are too obvious or noticeable, this discreet collar is used in vanilla and non-kink friendly spaces. This collar can carry any type of significance, and usually takes on that of whatever collar the sub usually wears.

Play Collars - for some, their usual collar is delicate and not suitable for rougher play. In these cases, a durable play collar is usually used. Sometimes only used for scenes, sometimes used for event attendance, a play collar can also be used more as a fashion piece or fetish gear, fitting the style of a costume the sub is wearing, etc. 

Protection Collars - these are temporary and intended to keep unwanted dominants away from the protected sub. Usually these collars are given by a designated protector, who assumes responsibility for the sub who wears it. 

Styles of Collars: Collars can be any piece of jewelry: necklace, bracelet, ring, anklet, etc. They can be made from various materials, with the most common being either leather or metal. Collars usually have some sort of O ring at their middle, but it is not required.

Earning Collars:

Generally speaking, collars are usually earned, but newer practices don't always follow this structure. Sometimes earning a collar is done just by spending time together, and seeing a future together. Similar to how there is no set structure on how to earn an engagement ring or wedding ring, a lot of the "New Guard" (TNG) dynamics use the same criteria for earning a collar; and just like the length of time a couple dates before engagement can vary, so can the length of time before being collared. OG tends to frown upon the lack of structure TNG uses, but when we equate collars to rings, this is the outcome. OG structures vary as well. For some, training takes form in learning the history of kink play, types of kink play, memorizing rules and protocols, and incorporating daily rituals. For others, it's more about personal growth and development, striving to be a better partner and submissive, not just in kink activities. 

Collaring Ceremonies: Usually the dominant gifts a collar to the submissive, but I have also seen where dominants also wear a symbolic collar to show their own dedication to the dynamic. It's more of a TNG practice for dominants to be collared, but again, when we compare collars to rings, you see more dynamics where both sides collar. Sometimes collaring ceremonies are more intimate, and happen just with the Dom and Sub. Sometimes a formal ceremony is done. The Ceremony of Roses (CoR) is a commonly known collaring ceremony among OG practices. Outside of the CoR, there isn't a set structure for collaring ceremonies, so there's a lot of flexibility for desired details.

Collar Etiquette: Rules and etiquette around collars will greatly depend on the significance of the collar in the dynamic. As mentioned before, for many dynamics, only the dominant can place or remove a collar on the submissive. Sometimes this goes as far as the dominant holding the key to unlock the collar. Other rules around collars may include consented behavior modification when the collar is on, such as: speaking rules (using honorifics, when the sub can or cannot speak, etc), posture (gorean positions, etc), eye contact (keeping eyes lowered, or restricted eye contact), body placement (kneeling at feet, walking behind, etc). For some more relaxed dynamics, rules could include being of free use while collared, accepting discipline, being sexually ready and willing, and obeying various requests or demands when collared. An important part of collar etiquette is understanding the significance it holds for your partner. Joking about collar removal, threatening to remove a collar, removing collars as a punishment, or as a means to negatively modify behavior, are all seen as unethical and manipulative tactics that can be used by both sides of the slash. Removing a collar can be extremely traumatizing if the person holds deep significance in collars, and thus should never be done lightly or out of emotion.

Self Collaring: 

OG are going to cringe at this, but it is a valid form of collaring. Self collaring is collaring outside of a dynamic, and usually done by a single submissive, but I have also seen single dominants practice self collaring. As BDSM allows us to break free from societal expectations about how love and relationships look and should function, self collaring as an act of self love and responsibility is on the rise. 

There is a misconstrued notion that practitioners are self collaring on a whim because it's trendy, or just because they can. The importance of self collaring is much deeper, and the decision to self collar has never been made lightly. With such negative stigma around self collaring, many practitioners have personal struggles with wanting to self collar. For those who do decide to self collar, most do so in private, and never outwardly express that they have self collared, for fear of backlash. While self collaring is still not as common, and certainly not an act for everyone, we must all respect the decision and not fall into the trap of gatekeeping simply because we do not feel self collaring is right for us.

Reasons to Self Collar: 

Collars bring a sense of comfort and control. Many singles desire that comfort and self control, even without the structure of a dynamic. A person who is newly single, may help the healing and grief process after losing/exiting a dynamic. They can provide a personal ritual to help recenter and ground yourself. 

Collars are a known signal of the lifestyle, and paired with tag symbols, can symbolize the wearer's role or type of play they are looking for. There's a powerful feeling one gets from wearing whatever they want, without the fear of what society views as acceptable, especially in vanilla settings. Sometimes it can enhance feeling confident. Sometimes it's just a fashion statement. 

The biggest reason someone may choose to self collar is to outwardly show their dedication to their self, their role, and their lifestyle. Self collaring empowers the wearer to remember their own power, and ownership of themselves. You are in charge of your own body and mind. You are empowered to take charge of your growth inside and outside of the lifestyle. 

Self collaring reminds you that you are worthy of love, including by our own self love. It gives you permission to embrace yourself and work on yourself, without needing a dynamic to motivate you. You're here in this lifestyle because you chose to be, and you are powerful enough to grow in it. When you self collar, you are taking control of your own submission (or dominance), and declaring that this journey is for YOU. Your body, your choice, your right to embrace your role in BDSM.

The Cons of Collars

Since collars are a popular practice in the BDSM lifestyle, it has become quite an over romanticized practice, causing many practitioners to be blind to possible cons of collaring. In the practice of giving informed consent, we have to evaluate both the pros and cons of wearing a collar before we can truly decide if collaring is right for us and our dynamic. 

I know it is hard to imagine how there could possibly ever be a downfall to something "so beautiful" as collaring, but many seasoned practitioners can give you first hand stories of experiencing the cons of collaring.

Privacy in the Vanilla World

One of the biggest, and most frequently experienced cons is judgement from the non-kink community (the vanilla world). With BDSM themes becoming more and more common in fictional literature, and social media trends, I can assure you that the vanillas know. The privacy of what a collar means and what it symbolizes is quickly becoming a tell-all in the regular world. If you didn't want your coworkers to know that your collar means you enjoy some spicy bedroom play and maybe some questionable moral choices, well it's too late. They know. In most cases, this comes with some awkward side-eye glances and maybe a knowing smirk, but in extreme cases this can cause a lot of "I know your dirty little secret" judgements, inappropriate remarks and behaviors, harassment, and even job loss. I personally know someone who suffered an unfair layoff because of their involvement in the BDSM lifestyle, and while it's rare and extremely unethical, it does happen. The risk is there.

Medical Concerns

There are medical cons as well. In situations where the one wearing a collar has constant medical reasons that prevent them from wearing a collar, ie medical tests, surgeries, etc. this becomes a tiring on-off-on-off situation which can open the door to possible mental strain of inconsistent wear. Collars in themselves can also cause injuries: rubbing the skin raw, getting caught in hair or clothing, and even cause strangulation. Some types of play may require taking off a collar, and if done frequently, may be worth considering if wearing a collar is necessary at all.

Pro Tip: if a practitioner is consistently needing to go through airport security, this may also cause concerns around the on-off wearing of collars. 

Aesthetics and Consumerism

For some, the aesthetic of one specific collar may clash with the style of the wearer, especially if styles are changed often. While this can be alleviated with the use of multiple styled collars, the personal connection to the collar may diminish if significance is shared among many collars. This may seem like a small problem, but it can potentially open the door to other concerns. Multiple collars also fuels consumerism, causing collar significance to be lost and over romanticized. While many practitioners have skills necessary to make their own collars and other kink tools, big monopolizing companies (I see you Amazon) have also benefitted from the collar consumerism. 

Poly Awkwardness

For polyamorous practitioners, many notice the awkwardness of wearing a collar that holds significance in one poly relationship, while with their other partner(s). The subtle sense of another person's presence or mark being constantly there while trying to establish new poly relationships or even building already established relationships, can fuel jealous feelings and even create an atmosphere of competition between metamours. It can be viewed as "marking one's territory," which in monogamous relationships, is usually a welcomed theme and reason to collar, but in polyamorous relationships, can quickly turn things upside-down.

Community Expectations

While we know that collars come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes even as different forms of jewelry or even as brands/tattoos, there is a general expectation within the kink community of how collars should look, be worn, and how they should be used. A ring being used as a collar is not going to be recognized as easily as one around the neck. Deviations from the typical structure of earning a collar tends to get some raised eyebrows and even snarky comments. There is an unfortunate atmosphere of gatekeeping around how collars are earned and who is in charge of putting them on or taking them off. While the standard idea that the d-type is the only one to put on or take off their s-type's collar, that does not work for all dynamics. It is important to know that this standard idea can alienate dynamics where there is a partial power exchange, and not a 24/7 power exchange as well.

Dynamic Perfection

Because of the general community expectations around collars, a concerning concept around collars is that they signify a perfect dynamic. Collars do not equate to dynamic security and safety. While they can deter unwanted attention from those outside the dynamic, within a dynamic collars can be used as a manipulation and abuse tactic. In abusive situations, a collared s-type is less likely to open up about problems or abuse. The weight of a collar can make it harder for abuse victims to leave a dynamic, and once they do, they are stuck trying to figure out what to do with the collar. Collars also do not solve relationship problems. If a dynamic is struggling with communication, a collar isn't going to magically fix that. Holding a collar as an ultimate goal of a dynamic can create laziness and complacency once the collar is earned. You still have to put in the work and effort to make the dynamic successful, collared or not. Reaching this "goal" doesn't mean you get to sit back and prop your feet up. 

In conclusion, while collars are present in many dynamics, and can hold a significant amount of meaning, they are not a necessity in order to have a fulfilling dynamic or positive BDSM experiences. Collars are tools available for dynamics, and an option for those who may find them helpful. However, they are not the goal of a dynamic. The ultimate goal practitioners should be striving for in the lifestyle is the ability to have and create a safe environment to explore and express desire; free of societal expectations. We should be less focused on wearing a collar, and more focused on leaning into ourselves on a deeper level, learning to express ourselves however it is that we need to, and remember that things like love, desire, and relationships are not a "one size fits all." The lifestyle allows us to explore these things in unique ways, and a collar can help us with that, but it certainly doesn't have to.

Remember to play safe and always stay informed!

Vetting

So you've found someone you're interested in playing with. Now what?

Once you and your counterpart have exchanged the general introductions, and you have both decided you'd like to pursue some sort of dynamic together, you can start the vetting process.

What is Vetting?

Vetting is the stage of getting to know one another. Outside of kink, this could look like dating or courting a potential partner. Inside of kink, this is where you start the lengthy process of getting to know someone, ensuring they are safe to pursue, and deciding if you are compatible for whatever type of play or dynamic you're desiring. Vetting involves asking each other a lot of questions, and having very candid conversations about BDSM and kink play. It is more than just taking the time to get to know someone; it allows you to ensure your practices align within the BDSM lifestyle. Vetting allows you and your counterpart an opportunity to compare wants, desires, and styles. It also allows for better identifying potential red-flags that could be problematic, or down right dangerous. 

When vetting, it's important to remember that there is no inherent right or wrong answer. Everyone's experiences and desires are going to provide unique answers. You're just seeing if those answers align with
your own. Vetting a new partner in the BDSM lifestyle can seem like a slow and daunting thing. During the vetting process, treat this like a normal vanilla dating situation. You wouldn’t just jump in bed or submit/dominate on the first date. Again, this is a time to get to know each other. It is not a time for playing. During the vetting process, keep it fairly vanilla. Take the time to ask all the questions.

Who Should I Vet?

You should vet anyone you intend on having some sort of dynamic/relationship with. If you'd like to take them on as a potential partner, then you should vet. If you're interested in a play only situation, where there is no relationship outside of scenes, you should vet. If you're wanting them to mentor you or you mentor them, then you should vet.

I recommend that even if you have already established a non-kink relationship, and now you're wanting to add some kink play, you should vet. 

Pro Tip: the BDSM lifestyle and practices/play are not inherently sexual. If you and your already established partner are not compatible in a kink sense, you can discuss seeking non-sexual play/practices with others. 

How Long Does Vetting Take?

Take your time. THERE IS NO RUSH. This process can take months (sometimes even 6+ months or even over a year) to get through. Everyone is much more complex of a human being than an hour long conversation. Personally, I tell people to expect the vetting process to last at least a year. This provides ample time to really get to know someone and have complex conversations. This also helps me weed out anyone who may not be worth pursuing further; if they aren't willing to put in the necessary work to make the dynamic successful, then I'm not interested. 

Pro Tip: Familiarize yourself with “sub frenzy” and "dom frenzy." Good d-types won’t pressure an s-type into jumping into things too quickly, and good s-types won’t pressure a d-type into claiming/collaring too quickly. This is not a race.

The Vetting How To's

Throughout your vetting process, you'll want to stay within public atmospheres, and avoid rushing straight to each other's homes. Stick to places that allow you to have conversations, like coffee shops, bookstores,

casual restaurants, walking through a local park, or even while playing mini golf or bowling. Stay away from any atmosphere that hinders you from having conversations, like movie theaters, libraries, or guided tours. 

When having any kink related dates, remember to keep these to a public setting as well. Public events such as munches, or public clubs with watchful staff and a dungeon master, are your best bet to maintain a safe and successful vetting. Again, don't rush to "netflix and chill," as you lose the security and safety net of others if the person ends up intending to be bad. 

The Guys, The Gal Pals, and Ex's So Foul

Get to know their friends, roommates, other partners, or fellow House members. Ask them for a list of

former play partners that you can talk to. If it seems like you're asking for references, then good! Because you are. Talk to former play partners and ask about the person’s behaviors and if the former partners see/saw any red flags. While many former partners may be bias because of a rocky break-up, it is still important to know what caused the dynamic to fail. You may have to piece some puzzle pieces together on your own, and sift through biased opinions, but see what you can learn about the person. Are all their ex’s “crazy?” A person who doesn't take ownership for their part in the failure of a dynamic, may be an indicator that they have some narcissistic behaviors, and if the common theme is that they're always the victim and their ex's are always at fault, then it may be time to slow down and consider how things will go down if you and this person don't work out.  

Treat Others The Way You Want To Be Treated

Watch how they interact with others, and listen for cues that signal arrogance or disrespect towards other people/groups. It goes without saying that racist, sexist, ableist, and homophobic language can certainly

clue you in as to what kind of person they are. If they're associating themselves regularly will those types of people, it is usually because their own morals and views align. Another common indicator is how they treat a waiter at a restaurant. 

Ask if they have a FetLife or other lifestyle based social media. Ask if they have a Facebook or other non-kink social media. How do they portray themselves on social media? What pages do they follow? What groups are they apart of? What are the reoccurring themes of what they share?

Fun, Family, and Finances

What are their hobbies outside of the lifestyle? Do they partake in drugs or alcohol? How much, and often? If someone needs to be under the influence to have a good time and be social with you, maybe it's time to consider why they have to be hindered to be relaxed. 

How are their finances? Are they buried in debt? Do they have a job? While you don't have to be rich to be the right person, having financial stability will decrease common financial stresses that can hinder the success of a dynamic. If you're always worried about money, you're going to have a harder time getting in the mood to play. 

Do they have their own transportation? Their own place? Who do they live with? It's important to know where play may take place, and who might be around to see or hear it. If they don't have adequate privacy for play, that is an indicator that you'll be more responsible for hosting, or that you'll have to find a third party place to play. What is their family like? Especially if they live with relatives. Not only could there be potential for awkward interactions if Grandma Josephine just heard you squealing cries of "oh god yes" and "harder" for three hours, but sometimes the stress of relatives being present or having some kind of impact on the person can put strain on a dynamic if its not all Brady Bunch. 

Can they support your dreams and hobbies? Would they support your relationships with friends/other partners? Often times abusers use isolation to manipulate people and make a person more dependent on them. If someone has an issue with you pursuing things that bring you joy, including friendships, then it may be time to conclude vetting and move on. What are their values and beliefs? Do they coincide with your own? How do they respond to your own values and beliefs?  

Anger and Trauma

How is their mental health? Do they attend therapy? Do they sort out their baggage or pretend it isn’t there? How was their childhood? Remember you don't have to be completely healed to have a healthy and successful dynamic. But if a person isn't actively taking part in healing and bettering themselves, it's going to cause some huge riffs when one person starts healing and the other refuses to. There is a growing influx

of people with trauma partaking in kink play. It is important to make sure we are not adding to that influx by refusing to work on ourselves and expecting others to constantly cater to our unhealed trauma. You can work on yourself while also enjoying kink play. But it's way harder to enjoy kink play if you are unwilling to work on yourself.

Are they calm/collected? Do they embody knowledge and trust? Trust your gut! If you feel like something is off about them, something is probably off. What gets them angry? Is the list of what upsets them a mile long? Is it small things? How do they deal with their anger? You want to know what they're going to be like during disputes, because disputes happen. You're not always going to agree, and its important that you are both able to be respectful, even in disagreements.

Experiences

How long have they been in the lifestyle? Remember, newbies are good too! What does BDSM, dominance, and submission mean to them? How active are they in the lifestyle? If they just want a

dynamic in the bedroom and no further, that may not be compatible with you if you're looking for a dynamic that continues 24/7. How active are they in the local BDSM community? What is their reputation in the local community? If they don't have a local community, do they participate in an online community? Some people have caused enough problems that they've been black listed in different communities. It's important to know why they were black listed, and how many different communities they've been black listed in. Did they go through any formal training? With who? When? At what club/venue? Can you go to that club/venue with them (are they in good standing with that location)? Did they have a mentor? Who? Can you talk to them? 

Is everyone in the lifestyle an "idiot" except them? Anyone who's preaching a "one true way" is not someone who's going to be open to different ideas and concepts. Take time to see if they're practicing what they preach, or if they're being hypocritical as if their rules don't apply to them. If they're identifying as an educator, are their teachings in line with your own morals and views? Are they following their own teachings? Are they respectful when teaching? Do the collect students or mentorees; focusing on mass teachings instead of individualized education?

Pro Tip: Just because someone has so many years of experience, that doesn't mean they've had good experiences and education. Never focus on the numbers. "Twenty years of experience" means diddly squat if is bad experiences and bad education. "Forty mentorees on a discord server" means jack if they leave your teachings uneducated. "Over a thousand group members and followers on xyz platform" means nothing if you're spewing shit. 

Dynamic Expectations

How far do they want the dynamic to progress? Are they just looking for FWB? A scene partner? A full-on relationship? Understanding what each person is looking for will allow for realistic expectations if you establish a dynamic. 

Are they polyamorous or monogamous? Are they trying to build a harem/reverse harem? There are

different types on ethical polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. If you're not familiar with it, do some research and ask them questions about how their dynamic and relationship structure works.

Why are they seeking a kink dynamic? What kind of dynamic do they want? Just in the bedroom? 24/7? Is it a TPE situation, or are there vanilla times too? How do they progress a dynamic? It shouldn’t be all at once. It should start with open conversations about limits, medical history, mental history, medications, emergency contacts, injuries, etc. Do they have a first aid kit built and available for scenes? First aid kits should be customized to fit the scene. 

Pro Tip: more of these things will be addressed in depth when you get to the Negotiation stage, and you can do a more in-depth dive at that point. For now, just get some basic and general info.

Physical Health

When was their last STD check? Full panel? If they’re polyamorous, when was their partners’ last STD check(s)? What is their stance on pregnancy and contraceptives? Who buys the condoms/plan-b? What happens if the two of you get pregnant? Do you both want children? What is their stance on abortion?

General Safety

Do they know what SSC, RACK, PRICK, and CCCC are? Do they know the differences? Do they

implement any of these? Which one(s)? What is/are their safewords and safesignals? What is their stance on aftercare? What does their aftercare look like? A lot of this will be discussed again during the
Negotiation stage, but it's important to get a basic idea of how things will go as you move into negotiations. 

Pro Tip: You'd be surprised how many people aren't familiar with these acronyms. If you aren't familiar with them either, head on over to: Acronyms For Ethical and Safe BDSM Play and get to reading!