Solo Poly
People who identify as solo polyamorous usually view themselves as their own "primary partner," and reject traditional relationship escalation.
Core Features
- Sovereign Living - generally choosing to live alone, maintaining separate finances, and manage their own independent lives without input from a partner. Soloists value their physical and logistical autonomy above all else.
- Commitment =/= Entanglement - it is a misconception that soloists only want casual hookups. Soloists often build deeply committed, long-term, loving relationships, while decoupling emotional commitment from logistical commitment.
- No Hierarchy - choosing not to designate any partner as a "primary" allows soloists to approach dating with the mentality that each relationship is unique and a self-contained connection.
- Autonomy as a Core Value - soloists prioritize their own personal growth, friendship, career goals, and solo rest just as highly as their romantic partners.
Choosing Solo Poly
- Need for Alone Time - it appeals heavily to introverts and individuals who require significant personal space and time to recharge.
- Protection of Focus - it appeals to people who want to focus heavily on other life aspects like their career, their children, or their life goals.
- Fluidity of Identity - it allows individuals to build a robust, solid sense of self-worth that is entirely independent from their relationship status.
Mono Poly
Sometimes this is also referred to as "mixed-orientation relationships." It is built on the mutual consent and full transparency, which makes it explicitly different from cheating.Choosing Mono Poly
- Different Internal Orientations - relationship wiring varies from person to person. A relationship may start one way, and later a partner discovers they are polyamorous. Rather than end the relationship, they adapt to a Mono Poly structure.
- Mismatched Desires - one partner having a lower libido, or different intimacy desires, may find that a mono poly structure can alleviate pressure and allow the other partner to find other connections that help fulfill their desires, while still having the comfort and emotional safety within the relationship.
- Introversion & Alone Time - a partner who requires a large amount of personal space, has a demanding career, or prefers solo hobbies, may thrive in a mono poly structure. They get quality time with their partner, without the full-time demands of traditional monogamous relationships.
Challenges
Tension may arise when the monogamous partner may often require reassurance that they remain a central anchor to their poly partner, and that they are prioritized and irreplaceable, while their poly partner values freedom and growth. It requires a delicate balance between both ends.For a mono poly relationship to remain ethical, the monogamous partner must genuinely desire and choose this setup for themselves. If they are being coerced, and agreeing to it out of the fear of being abandoned or under an ultimatum, it only breeds resentment.
There is also a concern of privacy and social stigma. The monogamous partner may struggle with explaining their relationship structure to friends, family, and coworkers. This often leads to mono poly partners keeping tight boundaries around their privacy.
Reflection
- What does "home" mean to me? Do I view sharing a living space as an ultimate expression of love and security, or do I view having my own physical sanctuary as a requirement for my mental health?
- How do I define my primary anchor? Do I take full, independent responsibility for my emotional processing, financial security, and personal fulfillment? Or do I expect my partner to assist in these things?
- Can I feel securely loved without physical exclusivity? Can I decouple my partner's sexual or romantic connections with others from my own sense of self-worth, attractiveness, and emotional security?
- How do I manage my emotional capacity? Am I ensuring that my pursuit of new partners does not result in the accidental emotional neglect of my other partner(s)? Am I protecting the quality and frequency of our sacred time together?