Paramours, Metamours, & Telemours

Paramours

These are your immediate partners. The term "paramour" originates from the French "par amour" which translates to "by way of love." Historically, the term was used to describe an illicit or secret lover, usually in an affair. However, modern polyamorous practitioners have removed the secretive, shameful context and replaced it with a fully disclosed and celebrated lover, as polyamory is rooted in full consent and transparency.

For many, using the term paramour bypassed traditionally gendered terms like "boyfriend," "girlfriend," "husband," or "wife." This also dodges the expectation of traditional relationship escalation, while still providing a way to acknowledge a deep romantic connection.

Metamours

Your partner's other partners. There is no one-size-fits-all in interacting with metamours. However, how you interact with them can completely dictate the pease, stability, and health of your entire relationship within the group.

To keep the group stable, usually some specific practices include not allowing gossip or venting about one partner to another, boundaries around the private details of each relationship, and consistent reminders that love is not a finite pie. The central partner loves each of their partners for their own unique qualities and not because those partners match, or fill any unfulfilled areas in other relationships.

Telemours

The people your metamours are dating. This term combines the root "tele" which means "distant," with "amour" meaning "love." This gives it the literal translation of "distant love."

To visualize this:

You --> dating Paramour --> dating Metamour --> dating Telemour

Think of telemours like an extended family member such as an in-law. You share a structural connection with them through others, but you do not share a direct bond with them. Because they are further down the relationship chain, often there is minimal interaction with them, depending on the structure of the poly group. Despite possibly never meeting a telemour, their presence could still affect you indirectly through ripples within the poly group.

Reflection

• What is the communication pace within my relationships? Are we all satisfied with our texting habits, phone call frequency, and check-in schedules between in-person quality time? Or is there a mismatch that is causing anxiety or pressure?

• When I look at my metamours, what am I measuring? Am I comparing my career, appearance, tenure, or sexual connection to theirs? What specific, unique values do I bring to our shared partner that belong only to me?

• How does my telemour's life indirectly affect mine? When my telemour and my metamour go through disagreements, breakups, or intense situations, can I see how that stress travels through the chain to my partner and can eventually land on me?