Ethical Non-Monogamy is an umbrella term for relationship styles where all people involved give full consent to have romantic or sexual ties with multiple partners.
Core Principles
Consent - every person involved must know about and agree to the arrangement genuinely.
Honesty - total transparency replaces secrecy and hidden affairs.
Communication - partners talk openly about rules, boundaries, and changing feelings.
Respect - each person's emotional and physical limits are honored.
Relationship Agreements
ENM partners sometimes choose to create specific guidelines that are tailored to their comfort levels. These agreements often detail what types of connections are allowed, how much information is shared, and how to practice safe physical intimacy.Example:
- The Relationship Style + Intent - state the intended relationship structure and goals in practicing ENM.
- Emotional Boundaries - state rules for romantic feelings, what people or groups are off limits, and what the vetting process of new partners looks like.
- Physical Intimacy - state what requirements there are for barrier methods and contraception, the frequency of STI testing, and any specific acts that may be off limits.
- Communication + Transparency - state any communication rules such as giving a partner a "heads-up," the level of detail all parties are comfortable with, and designate how often check-ins will occur.
- Time + Logistics - discuss how often time will be dedicated exclusively to each partner (date nights, phone-free time, etc.), clarify if other partners are allowed in shared spaces (house, bed, etc.), and coordinate how schedules are shared and adjusted to share time commitments.
- Review + Evolve - allow for room to make adjustments, changes, or even take pause to renegotiate and clarify as needed.
Common ENM Pitfalls
- The Band-Aid - monogamous relationships that are struggling, unstable, or broken are not magically made better by opening them up. ENM generally requires a strong and secure foundation to succeed.
- Rule Overload - excessively long lists of rigid restrictions to control a partner's behavior often leads to resentment or accidental boundary violations.
- Neglecting the OG - forgetting to dedicate quality time and effort into the existing partner sometimes happens unintentionally as one partner gets caught up in the excitement of new connections.
- Jealousy - feelings of jealousy don't magically disappear in ENM. Identifying and caring for the root cause of jealousy, and addressing it with open communication is key to successful ENM.
Reflection
- What does my ideal relationship structure look like if I completely ignore social expectations?
- How do I typically react when I feel insecure, jealous, or left out? What triggers those feelings?
- How much information do I want to know about my partner's other relationships, and how much do I want to share about mine?
- What does "fairness" look like to me when balancing the needs of different partners?
Resources
- If you have more resources, share them in the comments!
- Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
- Polysecure by Jessica Fern
- The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
- The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix
- Multiamory podcast
- Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast
- Poly Weekly podcast