One of the most commonly talked about part of BDSM, is collars. It's every submissive's dream to get one, and every dominant's desire to give one. But what exactly are collars and what do they mean? How are they acquired? As with many aspects of BDSM, collar significance will depend on the type of collar, and the dynamic itself.
It is important to note that a collar is not the goal of a dynamic. Rather, the goal of a dynamic should always be to create a safe environment to explore and express desire, free from societal expectations of how that should look. Dynamics allow us to lean into our true selves and express ourselves however we want. Love, desire, and relationships/dynamics are not a "one size fits all" situation, and the BDSM lifestyle allows us to explore these things in unique ways, and tailor practices to fit our individual needs. So while collars are present in many dynamics, they are not a necessity to have a fulfilling dynamic or positive BDSM lifestyle experiences. Instead, collars are in basic terms, a tool available for a dynamic.
With the fluidity BDSM and it's practices allow, we come across many different looking collars: from traditional silver rings, to various fetish fashion styles. Sometimes collars look like a bracelet, anklet, ring, or other piece of jewelry. Despite what it may look like or significance it holds, collars are a widely recognized part of the BDSM lifestyle and culture.
Traditional and "Old Guard" (OG) practices tend to hold much more weight in the significance of collars, and the process of collaring is lengthy and not taken lightly. For other's who practice kink play without full immersion into the lifestyle, collars are more a tool to be used, and hold weight similar to that of any other toy or tool for play. And of course, there is a wide array of significance in-between.
Types of collars:
Consideration Collars - used to show the submissive is being considered for a dynamic. It allows for some protection, but can be easily removed as needed.
Training Collars - shows the submissive is in training, and not a fully collared sub in the dynamic.
Permanent Collar - usually given at a collaring ceremony, many consider this to be the highest level of collar, and equate it to a wedding ring. Often times they are worn 24/7 or close to, and can be locked on permanently or (usually) semi permanently. Permanent removal of this collar usually signifies the termination of the dynamic, so many leave the responsibility of any type of collar removal up to the dominant.
Day Collars - often times when collars are too obvious or noticeable, this discreet collar is used in vanilla and non-kink friendly spaces. This collar can carry any type of significance, and usually takes on that of whatever collar the sub usually wears.
Play Collars - for some, their usual collar is delicate and not suitable for rougher play. In these cases, a durable play collar is usually used. Sometimes only used for scenes, sometimes used for event attendance, a play collar can also be used more as a fashion piece or fetish gear, fitting the style of a costume the sub is wearing, etc.
Protection Collars - these are temporary and intended to keep unwanted dominants away from the protected sub. Usually these collars are given by a designated protector, who assumes responsibility for the sub who wears it.
Styles of Collars: Collars can be any piece of jewelry: necklace, bracelet, ring, anklet, etc. They can be made from various materials, with the most common being either leather or metal. Collars usually have some sort of O ring at their middle, but it is not required.
Generally speaking, collars are usually earned, but newer practices don't always follow this structure. Sometimes earning a collar is done just by spending time together, and seeing a future together. Similar to how there is no set structure on how to earn an engagement ring or wedding ring, a lot of the "New Guard" (TNG) dynamics use the same criteria for earning a collar; and just like the length of time a couple dates before engagement can vary, so can the length of time before being collared. OG tends to frown upon the lack of structure TNG uses, but when we equate collars to rings, this is the outcome. OG structures vary as well. For some, training takes form in learning the history of kink play, types of kink play, memorizing rules and protocols, and incorporating daily rituals. For others, it's more about personal growth and development, striving to be a better partner and submissive, not just in kink activities.
Collaring Ceremonies: Usually the dominant gifts a collar to the submissive, but I have also seen where dominants also wear a symbolic collar to show their own dedication to the dynamic. It's more of a TNG practice for dominants to be collared, but again, when we compare collars to rings, you see more dynamics where both sides collar. Sometimes collaring ceremonies are more intimate, and happen just with the Dom and Sub. Sometimes a formal ceremony is done. The Ceremony of Roses (CoR) is a commonly known collaring ceremony among OG practices. Outside of the CoR, there isn't a set structure for collaring ceremonies, so there's a lot of flexibility for desired details.
Collar Etiquette: Rules and etiquette around collars will greatly depend on the significance of the collar in the dynamic. As mentioned before, for many dynamics, only the dominant can place or remove a collar on the submissive. Sometimes this goes as far as the dominant holding the key to unlock the collar. Other rules around collars may include consented behavior modification when the collar is on, such as: speaking rules (using honorifics, when the sub can or cannot speak, etc), posture (gorean positions, etc), eye contact (keeping eyes lowered, or restricted eye contact), body placement (kneeling at feet, walking behind, etc). For some more relaxed dynamics, rules could include being of free use while collared, accepting discipline, being sexually ready and willing, and obeying various requests or demands when collared. An important part of collar etiquette is understanding the significance it holds for your partner. Joking about collar removal, threatening to remove a collar, removing collars as a punishment, or as a means to negatively modify behavior, are all seen as unethical and manipulative tactics that can be used by both sides of the slash. Removing a collar can be extremely traumatizing if the person holds deep significance in collars, and thus should never be done lightly or out of emotion.
Self Collaring:
OG are going to cringe at this, but it is a valid form of collaring. Self collaring is collaring outside of a dynamic, and usually done by a single submissive, but I have also seen single dominants practice self collaring. As BDSM allows us to break free from societal expectations about how love and relationships look and should function, self collaring as an act of self love and responsibility is on the rise.
There is a misconstrued notion that practitioners are self collaring on a whim because it's trendy, or just because they can. The importance of self collaring is much deeper, and the decision to self collar has never been made lightly. With such negative stigma around self collaring, many practitioners have personal struggles with wanting to self collar. For those who do decide to self collar, most do so in private, and never outwardly express that they have self collared, for fear of backlash. While self collaring is still not as common, and certainly not an act for everyone, we must all respect the decision and not fall into the trap of gatekeeping simply because we do not feel self collaring is right for us.
Reasons to Self Collar:
Collars bring a sense of comfort and control. Many singles desire that comfort and self control, even without the structure of a dynamic. A person who is newly single, may help the healing and grief process after losing/exiting a dynamic. They can provide a personal ritual to help recenter and ground yourself.
Collars are a known signal of the lifestyle, and paired with tag symbols, can symbolize the wearer's role or type of play they are looking for. There's a powerful feeling one gets from wearing whatever they want, without the fear of what society views as acceptable, especially in vanilla settings. Sometimes it can enhance feeling confident. Sometimes it's just a fashion statement.
The biggest reason someone may choose to self collar is to outwardly show their dedication to their self, their role, and their lifestyle. Self collaring empowers the wearer to remember their own power, and ownership of themselves. You are in charge of your own body and mind. You are empowered to take charge of your growth inside and outside of the lifestyle.
Self collaring reminds you that you are worthy of love, including by our own self love. It gives you permission to embrace yourself and work on yourself, without needing a dynamic to motivate you. You're here in this lifestyle because you chose to be, and you are powerful enough to grow in it. When you self collar, you are taking control of your own submission (or dominance), and declaring that this journey is for YOU. Your body, your choice, your right to embrace your role in BDSM.
The Cons of Collars
Since collars are a popular practice in the BDSM lifestyle, it has become quite an over romanticized practice, causing many practitioners to be blind to possible cons of collaring. In the practice of giving informed consent, we have to evaluate both the pros and cons of wearing a collar before we can truly decide if collaring is right for us and our dynamic.
I know it is hard to imagine how there could possibly ever be a downfall to something "so beautiful" as collaring, but many seasoned practitioners can give you first hand stories of experiencing the cons of collaring.
Privacy in the Vanilla World
One of the biggest, and most frequently experienced cons is judgement from the non-kink community (the vanilla world). With BDSM themes becoming more and more common in fictional literature, and social media trends, I can assure you that the vanillas know. The privacy of what a collar means and what it symbolizes is quickly becoming a tell-all in the regular world. If you didn't want your coworkers to know that your collar means you enjoy some spicy bedroom play and maybe some questionable moral choices, well it's too late. They know. In most cases, this comes with some awkward side-eye glances and maybe a knowing smirk, but in extreme cases this can cause a lot of "I know your dirty little secret" judgements, inappropriate remarks and behaviors, harassment, and even job loss. I personally know someone who suffered an unfair layoff because of their involvement in the BDSM lifestyle, and while it's rare and extremely unethical, it does happen. The risk is there.
Medical Concerns
There are medical cons as well. In situations where the one wearing a collar has constant medical reasons that prevent them from wearing a collar, ie medical tests, surgeries, etc. this becomes a tiring on-off-on-off situation which can open the door to possible mental strain of inconsistent wear. Collars in themselves can also cause injuries: rubbing the skin raw, getting caught in hair or clothing, and even cause strangulation. Some types of play may require taking off a collar, and if done frequently, may be worth considering if wearing a collar is necessary at all.
Pro Tip: if a practitioner is consistently needing to go through airport security, this may also cause concerns around the on-off wearing of collars.
Aesthetics and Consumerism
For some, the aesthetic of one specific collar may clash with the style of the wearer, especially if styles are changed often. While this can be alleviated with the use of multiple styled collars, the personal connection to the collar may diminish if significance is shared among many collars. This may seem like a small problem, but it can potentially open the door to other concerns. Multiple collars also fuels consumerism, causing collar significance to be lost and over romanticized. While many practitioners have skills necessary to make their own collars and other kink tools, big monopolizing companies (I see you Amazon) have also benefitted from the collar consumerism.
Poly Awkwardness
For polyamorous practitioners, many notice the awkwardness of wearing a collar that holds significance in one poly relationship, while with their other partner(s). The subtle sense of another person's presence or mark being constantly there while trying to establish new poly relationships or even building already established relationships, can fuel jealous feelings and even create an atmosphere of competition between metamours. It can be viewed as "marking one's territory," which in monogamous relationships, is usually a welcomed theme and reason to collar, but in polyamorous relationships, can quickly turn things upside-down.
Community Expectations
While we know that collars come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes even as different forms of jewelry or even as brands/tattoos, there is a general expectation within the kink community of how collars should look, be worn, and how they should be used. A ring being used as a collar is not going to be recognized as easily as one around the neck. Deviations from the typical structure of earning a collar tends to get some raised eyebrows and even snarky comments. There is an unfortunate atmosphere of gatekeeping around how collars are earned and who is in charge of putting them on or taking them off. While the standard idea that the d-type is the only one to put on or take off their s-type's collar, that does not work for all dynamics. It is important to know that this standard idea can alienate dynamics where there is a partial power exchange, and not a 24/7 power exchange as well.
Dynamic Perfection
Because of the general community expectations around collars, a concerning concept around collars is that they signify a perfect dynamic. Collars do not equate to dynamic security and safety. While they can deter unwanted attention from those outside the dynamic, within a dynamic collars can be used as a manipulation and abuse tactic. In abusive situations, a collared s-type is less likely to open up about problems or abuse. The weight of a collar can make it harder for abuse victims to leave a dynamic, and once they do, they are stuck trying to figure out what to do with the collar. Collars also do not solve relationship problems. If a dynamic is struggling with communication, a collar isn't going to magically fix that. Holding a collar as an ultimate goal of a dynamic can create laziness and complacency once the collar is earned. You still have to put in the work and effort to make the dynamic successful, collared or not. Reaching this "goal" doesn't mean you get to sit back and prop your feet up.
In conclusion, while collars are present in many dynamics, and can hold a significant amount of meaning, they are not a necessity in order to have a fulfilling dynamic or positive BDSM experiences. Collars are tools available for dynamics, and an option for those who may find them helpful. However, they are not the goal of a dynamic. The ultimate goal practitioners should be striving for in the lifestyle is the ability to have and create a safe environment to explore and express desire; free of societal expectations. We should be less focused on wearing a collar, and more focused on leaning into ourselves on a deeper level, learning to express ourselves however it is that we need to, and remember that things like love, desire, and relationships are not a "one size fits all." The lifestyle allows us to explore these things in unique ways, and a collar can help us with that, but it certainly doesn't have to.
Remember to play safe and always stay informed!
