So you've found someone you're interested in playing with. Now what?
Once you and your counterpart have exchanged the general introductions, and you have both decided you'd like to pursue some sort of dynamic together, you can start the vetting process.
What is Vetting?
your own. Vetting a new partner in the BDSM lifestyle can seem like a slow and daunting thing. During the vetting process, treat this like a normal vanilla dating situation. You wouldn’t just jump in bed or submit/dominate on the first date. Again, this is a time to get to know each other. It is not a time for playing. During the vetting process, keep it fairly vanilla. Take the time to ask all the questions.
Who Should I Vet?
You should vet anyone you intend on having some sort of dynamic/relationship with. If you'd like to take them on as a potential partner, then you should vet. If you're interested in a play only situation, where there is no relationship outside of scenes, you should vet. If you're wanting them to mentor you or you mentor them, then you should vet.
I recommend that even if you have already established a non-kink relationship, and now you're wanting to add some kink play, you should vet.
Pro Tip: the BDSM lifestyle and practices/play are not inherently sexual. If you and your already established partner are not compatible in a kink sense, you can discuss seeking non-sexual play/practices with others.
How Long Does Vetting Take?
Take your time. THERE IS NO RUSH. This process can take months (sometimes even 6+ months or even over a year) to get through. Everyone is much more complex of a human being than an hour long conversation. Personally, I tell people to expect the vetting process to last at least a year. This provides ample time to really get to know someone and have complex conversations. This also helps me weed out anyone who may not be worth pursuing further; if they aren't willing to put in the necessary work to make the dynamic successful, then I'm not interested.
Pro Tip: Familiarize yourself with “sub frenzy” and "dom frenzy." Good d-types won’t pressure an s-type into jumping into things too quickly, and good s-types won’t pressure a d-type into claiming/collaring too quickly. This is not a race.
The Vetting How To's
Throughout your vetting process, you'll want to stay within public atmospheres, and avoid rushing straight to each other's homes. Stick to places that allow you to have conversations, like coffee shops, bookstores,
casual restaurants, walking through a local park, or even while playing mini golf or bowling. Stay away from any atmosphere that hinders you from having conversations, like movie theaters, libraries, or guided tours.
casual restaurants, walking through a local park, or even while playing mini golf or bowling. Stay away from any atmosphere that hinders you from having conversations, like movie theaters, libraries, or guided tours.
When having any kink related dates, remember to keep these to a public setting as well. Public events such as munches, or public clubs with watchful staff and a dungeon master, are your best bet to maintain a safe and successful vetting. Again, don't rush to "netflix and chill," as you lose the security and safety net of others if the person ends up intending to be bad.
The Guys, The Gal Pals, and Ex's So Foul
Get to know their friends, roommates, other partners, or fellow House members. Ask them for a list of
former play partners that you can talk to. If it seems like you're asking for references, then good! Because you are. Talk to former play partners and ask about the person’s behaviors and if the former partners see/saw any red flags. While many former partners may be bias because of a rocky break-up, it is still important to know what caused the dynamic to fail. You may have to piece some puzzle pieces together on your own, and sift through biased opinions, but see what you can learn about the person. Are all their ex’s “crazy?” A person who doesn't take ownership for their part in the failure of a dynamic, may be an indicator that they have some narcissistic behaviors, and if the common theme is that they're always the victim and their ex's are always at fault, then it may be time to slow down and consider how things will go down if you and this person don't work out.
Treat Others The Way You Want To Be Treated
Watch how they interact with others, and listen for cues that signal arrogance or disrespect towards other people/groups. It goes without saying that racist, sexist, ableist, and homophobic language can certainly
clue you in as to what kind of person they are. If they're associating themselves regularly will those types of people, it is usually because their own morals and views align. Another common indicator is how they treat a waiter at a restaurant.
Ask if they have a FetLife or other lifestyle based social media. Ask if they have a Facebook or other non-kink social media. How do they portray themselves on social media? What pages do they follow? What groups are they apart of? What are the reoccurring themes of what they share?
Fun, Family, and Finances
What are their hobbies outside of the lifestyle? Do they partake in drugs or alcohol? How much, and often? If someone needs to be under the influence to have a good time and be social with you, maybe it's time to consider why they have to be hindered to be relaxed.
How are their finances? Are they buried in debt? Do they have a job? While you don't have to be rich to be the right person, having financial stability will decrease common financial stresses that can hinder the success of a dynamic. If you're always worried about money, you're going to have a harder time getting in the mood to play.
Do they have their own transportation? Their own place? Who do they live with? It's important to know where play may take place, and who might be around to see or hear it. If they don't have adequate privacy for play, that is an indicator that you'll be more responsible for hosting, or that you'll have to find a third party place to play. What is their family like? Especially if they live with relatives. Not only could there be potential for awkward interactions if Grandma Josephine just heard you squealing cries of "oh god yes" and "harder" for three hours, but sometimes the stress of relatives being present or having some kind of impact on the person can put strain on a dynamic if its not all Brady Bunch.
Can they support your dreams and hobbies? Would they support your relationships with friends/other partners? Often times abusers use isolation to manipulate people and make a person more dependent on them. If someone has an issue with you pursuing things that bring you joy, including friendships, then it may be time to conclude vetting and move on. What are their values and beliefs? Do they coincide with your own? How do they respond to your own values and beliefs?
of people with trauma partaking in kink play. It is important to make sure we are not adding to that influx by refusing to work on ourselves and expecting others to constantly cater to our unhealed trauma. You can work on yourself while also enjoying kink play. But it's way harder to enjoy kink play if you are unwilling to work on yourself.
Anger and Trauma
How is their mental health? Do they attend therapy? Do they sort out their baggage or pretend it isn’t there? How was their childhood? Remember you don't have to be completely healed to have a healthy and successful dynamic. But if a person isn't actively taking part in healing and bettering themselves, it's going to cause some huge riffs when one person starts healing and the other refuses to. There is a growing influx
of people with trauma partaking in kink play. It is important to make sure we are not adding to that influx by refusing to work on ourselves and expecting others to constantly cater to our unhealed trauma. You can work on yourself while also enjoying kink play. But it's way harder to enjoy kink play if you are unwilling to work on yourself.
Are they calm/collected? Do they embody knowledge and trust? Trust your gut! If you feel like something is off about them, something is probably off. What gets them angry? Is the list of what upsets them a mile long? Is it small things? How do they deal with their anger? You want to know what they're going to be like during disputes, because disputes happen. You're not always going to agree, and its important that you are both able to be respectful, even in disagreements.
dynamic in the bedroom and no further, that may not be compatible with you if you're looking for a dynamic that continues 24/7. How active are they in the local BDSM community? What is their reputation in the local community? If they don't have a local community, do they participate in an online community? Some people have caused enough problems that they've been black listed in different communities. It's important to know why they were black listed, and how many different communities they've been black listed in. Did they go through any formal training? With who? When? At what club/venue? Can you go to that club/venue with them (are they in good standing with that location)? Did they have a mentor? Who? Can you talk to them?
Experiences
How long have they been in the lifestyle? Remember, newbies are good too! What does BDSM, dominance, and submission mean to them? How active are they in the lifestyle? If they just want a
dynamic in the bedroom and no further, that may not be compatible with you if you're looking for a dynamic that continues 24/7. How active are they in the local BDSM community? What is their reputation in the local community? If they don't have a local community, do they participate in an online community? Some people have caused enough problems that they've been black listed in different communities. It's important to know why they were black listed, and how many different communities they've been black listed in. Did they go through any formal training? With who? When? At what club/venue? Can you go to that club/venue with them (are they in good standing with that location)? Did they have a mentor? Who? Can you talk to them?
Is everyone in the lifestyle an "idiot" except them? Anyone who's preaching a "one true way" is not someone who's going to be open to different ideas and concepts. Take time to see if they're practicing what they preach, or if they're being hypocritical as if their rules don't apply to them. If they're identifying as an educator, are their teachings in line with your own morals and views? Are they following their own teachings? Are they respectful when teaching? Do the collect students or mentorees; focusing on mass teachings instead of individualized education?
Pro Tip: Just because someone has so many years of experience, that doesn't mean they've had good experiences and education. Never focus on the numbers. "Twenty years of experience" means diddly squat if is bad experiences and bad education. "Forty mentorees on a discord server" means jack if they leave your teachings uneducated. "Over a thousand group members and followers on xyz platform" means nothing if you're spewing shit.
Dynamic Expectations
How far do they want the dynamic to progress? Are they just looking for FWB? A scene partner? A full-on relationship? Understanding what each person is looking for will allow for realistic expectations if you establish a dynamic.Are they polyamorous or monogamous? Are they trying to build a harem/reverse harem? There are
different types on ethical polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. If you're not familiar with it, do some research and ask them questions about how their dynamic and relationship structure works.
different types on ethical polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. If you're not familiar with it, do some research and ask them questions about how their dynamic and relationship structure works.
Why are they seeking a kink dynamic? What kind of dynamic do they want? Just in the bedroom? 24/7? Is it a TPE situation, or are there vanilla times too? How do they progress a dynamic? It shouldn’t be all at once. It should start with open conversations about limits, medical history, mental history, medications, emergency contacts, injuries, etc. Do they have a first aid kit built and available for scenes? First aid kits should be customized to fit the scene.
Pro Tip: more of these things will be addressed in depth when you get to the Negotiation stage, and you can do a more in-depth dive at that point. For now, just get some basic and general info.
When was their last STD check? Full panel? If they’re polyamorous, when was their partners’ last STD check(s)? What is their stance on pregnancy and contraceptives? Who buys the condoms/plan-b? What happens if the two of you get pregnant? Do you both want children? What is their stance on abortion?
implement any of these? Which one(s)? What is/are their safewords and safesignals? What is their stance on aftercare? What does their aftercare look like? A lot of this will be discussed again during the
Negotiation stage, but it's important to get a basic idea of how things will go as you move into negotiations.
Physical Health
When was their last STD check? Full panel? If they’re polyamorous, when was their partners’ last STD check(s)? What is their stance on pregnancy and contraceptives? Who buys the condoms/plan-b? What happens if the two of you get pregnant? Do you both want children? What is their stance on abortion? 
General Safety
Do they know what SSC, RACK, PRICK, and CCCC are? Do they know the differences? Do they
implement any of these? Which one(s)? What is/are their safewords and safesignals? What is their stance on aftercare? What does their aftercare look like? A lot of this will be discussed again during the
Negotiation stage, but it's important to get a basic idea of how things will go as you move into negotiations.
Pro Tip: You'd be surprised how many people aren't familiar with these acronyms. If you aren't familiar with them either, head on over to: Acronyms For Ethical and Safe BDSM Play and get to reading!