The BDSM Fundamental House of Virtues

The idea of BDSM virtues being constructed in a "house" structure is not a widely taught idea. Some of the older generations of BDSM, and "Old Guard" practitioners tend to focus solely on the concept of the Four Pillars - over time eventually even including the "hidden pillar" of consent. While the Four Pillars are an important aspect of the BDSM culture, the are only part of a larger picture. 

Personally, I feel the lack of big picture teaching has caused a breach in the safety and integrity of the BDSM community and its teachings. Hyper focusing on only four aspects of BDSM virtues, has caused the community to shift towards laziness, and created an open door for abuse. Consent needs to not be "hidden" in teachings. It is fundamental and too important to be pushed to the background. The lack of teaching self responsibility and proper education has allowed for an influx of newer practitioners claiming titles and experiences without putting in the work and effort to earn them. A huge influx of trauma being inflicted on practitioners in the name of BDSM is because no one knows what they are doing anymore. Teaching just the Four Pillars only puts a temporary bandaid on a gaping wound. 

To correct this, the BDSM Fundamental House of Virtues needs a bit more limelight. This house teaches the pillars as part of a bigger picture, where no individual piece of the structure is more important than the other. Rather, each part holds its own purpose and are all equally crucial to not only correct the safety concerns and cracks in the integrity of the BDSM community, but aid to the healing, growth, and success of the community as well.

Let's break down these parts:

Consent 

Consent is the key to every aspect in the BDSM lifestyle. That's why it's the foundation floor. Everything else is built on top of it. The entire BDSM culture, every aspect of it, is based on Consent. Consent is the only line between BDSM practices and abuse. If you do not have Consent to act this way, or do this act, then what you’re doing is abuse. Without consent, open communication won’t happen. Without consent, honesty won’t happen. Without consent, respect won’t be earned or given. Without consent, trust can’t be built.

Types of Consent

- Informed Consent

When all involved parties are fully aware of what they are agreeing to, it is informed consent. Knowledge of risks, boundaries, limits, expectations, etc. have been openly communicated prior to play. Without informed consent, ethically proceeding with play is questionable. 

- Revocable Consent

When consent can be withdrawn at any time, this is revocable consent. Consent can be revoked at any time if the play becomes overwhelming, uncomfortable, or the person simply wishes to stop. Being able to revoke consent keeps BDSM play safe, and respects the autonomy of all parties involved, regardless of their role. 

-Expressed Consent

When consent is explicitly given orally or in writing, this is expressed consent. It is clear and direct and allows for no doubt on what was consented. Expressed consent allows the ability to establish boundaries, rules, and limits. 

-Implied Consent

When the actions or behaviors of a person infers permission rather than being explicitly  stated, this is implied consent. Implied consent is often practiced in long-term relationships, where boundaries and limits have had time to be well-established. Implied consent must be used cautiously, as misinterpretation and misunderstandings risk arising. Without a solid foundation of trust and continued open communication between all participating parties, implied consent shouldn’t be utilized. 

-Dubious Consent

Stemming from literature, and often referred to as dub-con, dubious consent indicates that consent is unknown, that it hasn’t been established with certainty, or that consent was gained through questionable circumstances. While being a type of implied consent, dubious consent is extremely risky, unsafe, and ethically questionable. It is not something regularly practiced in the BDSM community, and usually only seen practiced between inexperienced and new practitioners. In general, the BDSM community is very much against the practice of dubious consent, and associates it with abuse. However, with glamorization via literature, it is still extremely important to talk about dubious consent and its questionable ethics. 

-Enthusiastic Consent

Many BDSM resources will talk about "enthusiastic" consent, and equate it will the only proper type of consent that should be given. Personally, I find this borderline gatekeeping, and I don't feel consent has to be "enthusiastic" in order to be genuine. I can give genuine consent and not be enthusiastic about it. Demanding consent be enthusiastic does not allow for situations where there may be nervousness, which is most common for newer practitioners. It also does not allow for situations where a practitioner may feel indifferent about a certain type of play; it may not be their preferred type of play, but the have no qualms or boundaries with it, and don't mind indulging for the sake of their partner. There is nothing wrong or artificial about the consent being given. They just aren't having intense eagerness to be considered "enthusiastic." For that sake, and wanting to be an inclusive space for all dynamic types and experience levels, you will never hear me use "enthusiastic" as a way to describe acceptable consent. Rather, I will always refer to acceptable consent as "genuine."

The Four Pillars

The Four Pillars are the walls of the structure. They explain how to conduct yourself with other practitioners (both in and outside of your dynamic). The pillars also protects the integrity of the BDSM culture; cultivating healthy interactions. These pillars, along with consent, are the most widely agreed upon virtues in the BDSM culture, despite the type of training or practice of the participants. The Four Pillars help reconstruct outside views of the BDSM culture; shedding light on the common misconceptions that it is about control, degradation, pain, misogyny, and abuse. When practices together, the Four Pillars ensure the success of the BDSM community. 

- Communication

Effective communication is the key to successful interactions in the BDSM community. Being open and having an honest dialogue allows for safe negotiations, and discussion of boundaries, limits, needs, and desires. Communication establishes a safe space in interactions by making essential the expression of concerns and needs. Communication is constantly practiced in the community, as well as in dynamics. It is never ending. Communication includes Active Listening; to listen with intent to understand, rather than to respond. Active Listening requires us to be non-judgmental, and practice empathy. 

- Honesty

Being honest and truthful about needs and wants is crucial for ensuring everyone's expectations are met. Honesty about skill level and experiences allows for deeper trust and respect to be built. It is always ok to be a beginner, as long as you are honest about it. Providing honest feedback and expressing honest concerns allows a safe space for growth, education, understanding, and mutual support within the community.

- Respect

Respect requires us to be empathetic and non-judgmental towards all those in the community. Respecting limits, boundaries, consent, and autonomy provide an understanding of other's wants and needs. Respect helps cultivate safety within the community. Actively listening to the needs of others, acknowledging and honoring those needs, will foster respect between people. Respecting the diversity of the BDSM community, both in practices and practitioners, is crucial to the community's success as a whole.

- Trust

Trust establishes a safe environment for community members. Building trust within the community and between individuals, allows the freedom of expression, and vulnerability. While building trust takes time and immense effort, it can be achieved when all the pillars are practiced in tandem. It is essential to maintain trust within the community, as well as within dynamics. 

The Fundamental Roof

- Self Responsibility

Self Responsibility bookends the pillars. It is how you interact with yourself. This is the key to having positive experiences in the lifestyle. It encourages growth, and evolving your own self. It's about how you take ownership of your actions, further your learning, and develop in your role. Self responsibility is how you conduct yourself FOR yourself, to have healthy experiences in the lifestyle. This is all about you as an individual. It's how you learn, how you take ownership of actions, how you grow and develop. Identifying your role. Accepting your role. Growing from within according to your role. Learning and achieving one’s potential through said role. Taking accountability and responsibility for your behavior and conduct within your role. Education is the top. Without the roof of education, outside affects (like the weather) will damage the rest of the structure. 

- Education

Education is how we protect the rest of the structure. It sits on top of Self Responsibility because part of self responsibility is to continue to educate yourself. It's no one else's job to tell you to go get educated. You have to take that on yourself. 

Introductions

I am recognizing that my spiritual journey is very intertwined with my other journeys; like my healing journey and my sexual journey. Part of me coming into my power and embodying the divine feminine is learning to love my body and my sexuality and desires. My spiritual journey has helped me on my healing journey and has been a huge factor in healing. Part of being spiritual, for me, has been learning to love all aspects of myself. Self love, self appreciation, and self adoration has been a huge step in being spiritual. It is spiritual.

I have always identified as an s-type, and have been practicing the BDSM lifestyle for over a decade. I have had a lot of growth in my practicing, but it has always been a separate path from my spirituality. Only recently have I recognized how they have crossed, and at times, go hand in hand. 

I have never been one to play the pissing match of comparing lengths of practice and experiences as some sort of credibility. Credibility is much more tied to the effort and self responsibility of the practitioner. I'll never say it's my way or the highway. I'll never claim to teach "the one true way." I will however, use my experiences to provide insight, a different perspective, and teach where I can.

If length of practice is how you deem credible, then know I have over a decade of experience as an s-type. In that time, I have mentored a handful of s-types, helped aid the growth in a few d-types, and am an active member of a local House, where I usually take a more behind the scenes role, but do help teach classes from time to time. 

For the sake of privacy, no one I mention on here will be addressed by their real name. Due to personal reasons, my own anonymity level will remain a bit more strict than what I usually keep. If you know me from another platform, cool, but I ask you also respect the level of anonymity I choose to keep. 

Ultimately this is just a recount of my own experiences. If what I share resonates with you, that's great. But by no means is there only one specific way to practice BDSM. 

And with that, I - your neighborhood Kink Witch - welcome you along this journey.